Heeding the Call

Conflicted

2012-01-12T17:16:00.000-06:00

My brother, Caleb, is in Guatemala RIGHT NOW at Eagle's Nest. And it is pretty much driving me crazy that I'm not there with him. Memories flooded back on Sunday when the mission team left, and it was as if I'd just been there yesterday. I'm in super hard classes this semester, 3 of them in Spanish! That means hearing and speaking Spanish 5 days a week, which is wonderful for my fluency. But really? My heart is aching to serve- be a mom to an adopted child, work at an adoption agency, encourage adoptive families, host conferences, write a book, lead mission trips- ANYTHING to help the orphan. Anything to follow James 1, to serve the orphan in their distress. Yet I'm here toiling away at the 2nd letter that Hernan Cortes wrote to Carlos V in 1520. An amazing piece of history, but my heart is so not there.

I wrote in my journal on the first day of class, "Father I rest. I rest in Your plans that are faithful and sure. I give this semester to You, for Your glory. Break me and teach me. I refuse to let the Enemy fill my heart with lies of discouragement. But instead I begin this semester with confidence, knowing that You have called me here as a Spanish student. And though it breaks me even more, I want to try to learn. Not to save Claudia, not to save the orphans, and not to prove to myself that I have a purpose, but because You called me to it."

So I sit here in my room with a textbook in one hand and a journal in the other. One providing me with everything I need to succeed in this class- and therefore continue to follow the path the Lord has me on. The other proclaiming truth that though my heart feels so conflicted right now, the Lord has a plan.
I'll leave you with a poem I wrote this week, as I turn back to that textbook!

Conflicted

Torn between the thenand now.

Want to serve but Idon’t know how.

Studying for hundredsof hours on end,

What about the littlegirl in need of a friend?

Torn between roles of a studentand soon-to-be-wife,

Wanting to fulfillGod’s plan for my life.

Longing to bring Hischildren home,

Knowing the truth butmy heart still groans.

How do papers andprojects fulfill a Kingdom mentality,

When there’s orphans,the widows, the lost, and the starving.

I know He’s called meto Truman as a student for the present.

My heart’s crying formore, as I stand in obedience.

For a year and a half,I’ll attend all my classes.

I’ll write lots ofpapers, and make lots of messes.

I”ll learn Spanish forHis glory, that His name be made known.

That by my present andfuture, His glory be shown.

1/9/12

Loving this

2011-12-27T09:53:00.002-06:00

I love being engaged. Love my future in-laws. Love wedding planning (even the now-frequent nightmares about wedding day disasters- like missing the ceremony or showing up at the hair salon on the wrong day!). Love looking ahead to the future. Love my fiancé! :)

Tradition

2011-12-27T09:50:00.003-06:00

"Tradition!!!! Tradition! Tradition!!! Tradition!
The papa, the mama, the son, the daughter....

We all know these lyrics, right?? Good ole' Fiddler on the Roof.
This song has been coming back to me the past couple of weeks as we've been celebrating Christmas. Now that I'm engaged, there's 2 families to celebrate with! And, you guessed it- twice as many traditions!
I love them all. My family always watches Miracle on 34th Street on Christmas Eve, Spencer's family goes to the zoo that day, we both make cookies and gingerbread houses, and the list goes on. There's our gorgeous candlelight service at church (my favorite event of the whole season), and of course, there's all the crazy gift opening.
This season, though, I have felt stuck on what I believe Christmas should be. As we sat at our Christmas Eve service, I looked out over the congregation and saw all of the children from Guatemala, Ethiopia, and China who now have a family to celebrate christmas with thanks to the miracle of adoption. I looked at my friend's family who will be leaving on Friday to go pick up 3 children from the Philippines. NO longer will they spend Christmas in an orphanage. Praise be to God! I began to ponder the number of orphans, and was overwhelmed as I considered how many sanctuaries it would take to hold all the orphans in the world. Hundreds. Maybe thousands. Hundreds of sanctuaries packed with children. And yet we still go out and spend billions on our Christmas gifts?? My heart has been torn. Torn between tradition, culture, family, commercialism, and the call to enjoy what we have been given (which is a Biblical principle).
I loved the O family's post this morning entitled a "Grinchy Christmas." You should read it. I have trouble envisioning what I want Christmas to look like for our future family. Spencer and I both feel very strongly about not focusing on the presents, Santa Claus, and all that goes along with that. I loved how the O family turned gingerbread houses into a fundraiser for orphans, a nativity play into an outreach to the neighborhood, a business trip into a sweet father-daughter experience, Christmas gift certificates that will serve as parent-child date nights, serving lunch at a kitchen even with a 2-year old in tow. Those are the things that serve others, bond families together, and keep children's eyes focused on others and not on the presents underneath the tree.
Traditions?? Absolutely. But let's keep them Christ-centered and others-focused, that we may be serving and learning/teaching in the midst of celebration.

Beauty in the Manger

2011-12-27T09:36:00.000-06:00

I've seen beauty in the manger, in the pain on Mary's face.
As a tiny babe entered the world, in such a lowly place.
Yet this babe who clutched his mother's breast would come to put the world at rest.
He has come to bring the orphans home, come that homeless no longer roam,
Come to bring health to the sick and feeble, come to bring hope to those who weep.
His little cries ring out in the night, echoes of a world that in sin is not right.
Cries he would sound again and again as he hung on a cross for the sins of all men.
But for now there is beauty in the blood on the mud.
For a girl became a mother, Joseph a faithful Father,
a baby so small and yet a King, whose cries through the night will forever ring.

12/27/11

248 Days

2011-09-28T13:48:00.002-05:00

In 248 days, I will be a wife. Sometimes, it seems like it's coming so soon, and other days it feels like forever away. Today it seems so far off. Yet I'm thankful for this season of preparation, of patience, of intentionality as we grow closer while still balancing life and school. I could not be more blessed to be the girl in these pictures. I still look at them and marvel at what God has done.
I love you, Spencer, and I can't wait for June 2! :)

Thanks to Leigh Ann Smart for doing these gorgeous pictures!

Reminded....

2011-09-05T20:24:00.001-05:00

These pictures popped up on Facebook yesterday and my breath caught in my throat.

Sometimes, Guatemala and Eagle's Nest seem like a different life ago, a different world. But it's not. Those sweet kids are still there, waiting.
We must keep fighting for them, praying for them, adopting them.
The Lord will not leave them as orphans, but we're a huge part of making sure that promise is true for them in this life!

On Poverty

2011-09-05T20:10:00.000-05:00

According to my Nutrition class textbook:
Malnutrition- a state of health that occurs when the body is improperly nourished.
This can be in the form of undernutrition and overnutrition.

I'm in a basic Nutrition class for my Health Studies minor, and I am absolutely loving it. I have dreamed of getting married and running my own home, budgeting for groceries, and cooking healthy meals for my family for years- and now it's actually happening! So that has put an even greater purpose in this class. I have also had the idea of teaching Nutrition classes in Spanish someday, so that makes me excited as well.

However, as I listen and take notes on what we should and shouldn't eat, what makes a balanced diet, how many grams of protein we need, my head and my heart keep wandering. They wander to the children in Africa who are starving, they wander to the children at the Manna feeding program at Eagle's Nest in Guatemala, I think about the mommas in Haiti whose children die if the mothers aren't properly nourished enough to provide breastmilk. Thousands upon millions of people didn't eat at all today. And here I am, learning about how I should best feed myself so I don't get fat or get heart disease.

So in the past week, my heart has been torn. I'm torn between the passion I have to take care of my body, and later the bodies of my family. I want to cook wholesome foods, and eat in a way that preserves my health for the furthering of the Kingdom. Yet the other part of me is crying inside for the poor and the needy. As cliche as that phrase is, we MUST realize that this is real. 14% of the people in our country alone are concerned about where their next meal is coming from. At the same time, we have people who are sitting at their kitchen tables eating cheap potato chips, and children with nothing but skin and bones in Africa eating the skin of a potato as their only food for the day.

It's in these moments that I hate inequality. I despise injustice. I cringe at the trays of food poured into the garbage every night in my own cafeteria. My stomach turns as I fill myself with fresh fruits and vegetables, remembering that there are those who go with nothing but garbage gleaned from the streets. Why, Lord?

In the midst of my troubled heart, I'm trying to focus on the fact that God is sovereign, and that for some reason, He has placed me in a place of plenty. He has placed me in a class where we discuss good nutrition, that I might take this knowledge and use it for His glory. Perhaps I will adopt a malnourished child, perhaps I will manage an orphanage, perhaps I will teach nutrition classes to those who don't know how to provide wholesome meals to their families. I don't know, but I'm trusting that our God does know. So I rejoice in the blessings, and thank Him for His provision, determined not to waste even a minute.

Goin' deep....

2011-09-05T19:31:00.002-05:00

I've been writing this post in my head for several days now, and it will definitely take several days to catch up on my writing based on my limited amount of free time (I miss writing so much- hoping to get back to a blogging schedule here soon!). But anyway, as I've mulled this post over in my head, I keep going back to the Steven Curtis Chapman song from Jr. High Dive.

You all remember it, don't you? "I'm divin' in, I'm goin' deep, in over my head I wanna be, caught in the rush, washed in the flow, in over my head I wanna go. The river's deep, the river's wide, the river's water is alive, so sink or swim...I'm divin' in!" It's definitely not the most theologically, gospel-rich song. BUT- it was a blast to sing in Jr. high, and I feel like it's a good way to describe life right now.

I finished my first full week of school last week, and I was definitely "goin' deep" so to speak. I'm taking 16 credit hours, all of which are fairly tough classes. My Spanish class is entirely in, well, Spanish, which isn't surprising. My heart was a mess walking into the classroom, and I was so afraid of how inadequate and unprepared I would find myself. Instead, the Lord in all His goodness chose to do the exact opposite, and I walked out of class that day with HOPE and a JOYful heart. My campus ministry community has fallen back into the rhythm of fellowship, and I found myself having deep, stretching, challenging, growing, and encouraging conversations within the first few days. Sweet times of prayer with dear friends have set a theme for the year. We are hungry for more of the Lord, and we are ready to dig deep. To go deep into the Word, to go deep into our hearts as the Spirit challenges and convicts, to go deep into the lives of others, to go deep into continuing the ministry that Jesus started 2,000 years ago.

If this doesn't make your day...

2011-08-17T14:33:00.002-05:00

I don't know what will!

If Spencer and I are ever so blessed to have a sweet Asian daughter half as cute as this, I won't ever be able to stop smiling. Someday :)

An anchor to the soul

2011-08-16T13:48:00.002-05:00

I've had Hebrews 6 in my head the past couple days about hope as an "anchor to the soul." I've been reminded several times in the past week that life here on this earth is not secure. People let you down, your plans fail. And there is absolutely no way to guarantee success, or a painless life. We are left to trust God, and this can be very scary.

In Hebrews 6 it's talking about the certainty of God's promises. That section starts off remembering God's promise to Abraham, that he would be fruitful and multiply through all the earth. As a "seal" to his promise, he made an oath, which the Bible says is final for confirmation." God wanted to "show the heirs of promise the unchangeable character of his purpose." How incredible is that statement? The unchangeable character of his purpose, his heart. Though our world is not secure, HE IS.

And because it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us.

We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul...a hope that enters into^(AF) the inner place behind the curtain, ²⁰where Jesus has gone^(AG) as a forerunner on our behalf....

I want to learn what it means to hold fast to the hope set before us. Because this week, I have not been doing that very well. And I want to not only hold fast to this hope externally, but in the deepest part of my heart as well. I believe that if, through the grace and strength of Christ alone, I learn to make this hope my anchor then it will in turn be reflected in my attitude and the way I respond to situations.

Lord, I praise you for this beautiful hope. Thank you that Jesus went behind the curtain for our behalf, that we are clean, and that we have hope through the resurrection and 2nd coming. I pray, Father, that you would teach me what it means to hold fast to this hope. Show me what it means to live with that hope as an anchor. I invite you into my heart to do your great work within me, and I pray that you would do the same within the global Church as well. I love you.

Food for the mind and soul.

2011-08-14T16:22:00.002-05:00

Feed your soul with this Scripture from Lamentations 3:22-26:

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
²³they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
²⁴ "The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore I will hope in him."

²⁵The LORD is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
²⁶ It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

Feed your mind today with this definition of a true woman:

A true woman is willing, serious, and determined to reflect the beauty and heart of Christ to her world. She seeks to live a God-centered life, trusting Him and saying "Yes, Lord!" She knows this is only possible by His grace, and seeks to do so in community. (http://www.truewoman.com)

Wedding Dress

2011-08-11T14:22:00.004-05:00

I’m trying on wedding dresses on Monday, and I am very excited. I have one picked out, on sale, and the store has it in stock. All of this wedding dress talk has really got me thinking. I’ve always loved the song “Wedding Dress” by Derek Webb, and I encourage you to listen to it before continuing to read.

“I am a whore I do confess, I put You on just like a wedding dress and I run down the aisle, run down the aisle. I’m a prodigal with no way home, I put You on just like a ring of gold and I run down the aisle, run down the aisle, to You.”

As I sought the Lord at the conference this past week, He graciously brought all my cluttered thoughts into one broad theme, and that is my identity. I’ve been reading books and articles recently about Godly womanhood, and a burden has been growing in me to foster that Godliness both in myself and in other women.

So I get to thinking about a wedding dress. Our clothing, our uniform helps create our identity. If we work at McDonald’s, we’ll wear a hat with the big yellow arches. A doctor wears a lab coat. A mom might wear yoga pants and an adoption t-shirt (okay maybe not…just had to throw that in there) J But in any case, our clothing helps to define us, and gives a little glimpse of who we are and what we do. When you see a beaming woman in a gorgeous white gown, she looks like a princess, and you know that she is a bride. She is going to walk down the aisle to her husband. The white is a symbol of purity, something that has lost tremendous value in the past 50 years, and it makes my heart ache. Regardless, the wedding dress is the outward evidence of a bride.

While I absolutely cannot wait to find that perfect dress, I am far less concerned about that than what is on the inside. What is my inward evidence of being a bride-to-be. Any bride can put on a dress and walk down an aisle to be married. But when that ceremony is over, she takes that dress off and she is not only a woman but a wife. When we become Christians, we become a part of the Church, which is the Bride of Christ. In one of my workshops last week, they gave us 3 qualities of the Bride of Christ which should in turn be possessed by women of the Lord.

Beautiful- think and act beautifully. This means grasping on to the identity which is found in Christ with both hands, believing it with your head and your heart.
Confident- This attribute stems from the first one. Your confidence in your beauty as a Daughter of the King should in turn be reflected in your actions. When others see you, they should see something different about you- a peace and rest about who you are as a person, and a confidence in your ability to be used by the Lord.
Unshakeable hope- oh how beautiful these words are. We possess an unshakeable, unwavering hope that cannot be taken from us. Let me repeat that. It CANNOT be taken from us. I cannot tell you how many times I have let that be snatched away from my hands. A negative comment, a frustrating number when I step on the scale, a doubting professor, a disappointment. We are faced with these things everyday. For that matter, my first look in the mirror in the morning can dictate whether or not I claim that hope for today. But- if we claim that beauty from Christ, and with confidence believe it regardless of what the day brings, we will have this unshakeable hope.

So on Monday, I’ll be whisked away into every girl’s dream. I’ll try on dress after dress, I might cry when I find the right one, and I’ll truly feel like a bride. But in my heart of hearts, I know that this dress is only temporary, only an outward fixture of that big day. In the end, I am a woman of the Lord, a Princess Warrior, a Daughter of the King, and I have a lifetime of marriage to look forward to when the make-up is taken off and the dress is gone. Just as we don't want to slip on our identity as "Christian" and slip it off again, I do not want to just slip on the wedding dress and call myself a bride. Our roles as Godly women go much deeper than this.

As I seek the Lord’s face for what this season holds for me as a bride-to-be, I’m asking him to mold me, and put me through His refining fire, that I might come out on the other end a beaming woman clothed in the purity of Christ. And I long for this for every woman who is sitting staring at their computer screen reading these words. Truly. I care for your heart, I long for women to embrace our place in this world, the identity that God has given us. Will you join me on this journey of seeking the Father’s heart in a world that calls for the opposite of a gentle and quiet spirit with inward beauty? I believe that He has so much for us.

"but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. ⁵For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves."

1 Peter 3:4-5

"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

Proverbs 31:30

Making changes....

2011-08-11T00:26:00.002-05:00

I spent the past 5 days at the National Student Conference in Evansville, IN.

I came back feeling so incredibly refreshed and very challenged all at the same time.

I spent hours in workshops, and then spent the afternoons journaling, writing poetry, and reading the Word. The Lord met with me. Encouraging, convicting, changing, growing me.

Because of this, I am so burdened to allow His hands to make changes.

Never do I remember longing so much to be molded by Him.

My heart is yearning to be the woman that He wants me to be, not the one that the world tells me to be.

I am asking Him to come and shape me into the daughter, sister, fiancee/wife, friend, student, worker, servant that reflects our Creator.

First up- I went through my blogs tonight. Kept the ones that the Lord is using to grow me, and deleted the ones that I just read for fun. Less time on the computer= more time in the Word.

Tomorrow- Update my bank account. I had done really well at logging everything I spent money on. But recently...well....I've just been a little busy. Spain, wedding planning and stuff, ya know :) But when I don't keep an eye on what I'm putting my money to, it's so easy to spend it on things that I don't need instead of putting it towards things that God needs me to put it to.

Little by little, change is coming as the Lord's gentle hand moves in me.

2 weeks.

2011-08-05T20:11:00.003-05:00

2 weeks ago, he got down on his knee and slid a ring on my finger.

Ever since, life has been a whirlwind!

I have become the girl who catches herself staring at her hand, just to make sure the ring is still there, and to do a little dreaming about the big day.

I've become the girl who cries about whether or not to have a DJ.

I've become the girl who pulls out the post-it note pad from her purse to randomly jot down ideas for the wedding, or a task for the to-do list.

Oh yes, the wedding planning is in full speed!

But the beautiful thing about it, is that in 301 days, I will be a bride blessed beyond measure.

The Lord has been showing me so many things as I prepare my heart for this journey.

Roses....and a ring!

2011-07-23T00:35:00.005-05:00

This may be one of my most exciting blog posts....so sit back and enjoy! :)

I've grown up looking at this steeple. I remember feeling so special when I got to go on my first "tour" of the steeple with one of the church dads before the building was constructed. Little did I know just how much of my life would be shaped by this church and the people in it. Little did I know I would grow up with the man who would be my husband. Little did I know that I would fall in love watching him pray with our youth group, selflessly serve, and be a leader. But God did. And when He said that He had good plans for me, plans for a hope and a future, His promise was true. Why do I ever doubt Him?

I have dreamed and prayed for the man that I would walk down the aisle to someday. I prayed that He would bring us together when the time was right, that we would be able to further the kingdom better together than we can apart. Last night, Spencer took me on a "6-month anniversary date." So I got dressed up, we took a picture, and drove to a restaurant we had gone to in high school. On our way back, we had to stop by the church to drop off a letter. While we were inside, the steeple door just happened to be open, and he suggested we go up to take a look for old-times sake. I agreed, and as soon as I climbed the ladder to the landing, there was a Guatemalan blanket laid out on the floor with candles and a bouqet of roses. He got down on his knee and asked me to marry him. And, of course, I said yes :)

I now have a ring made with the stones of his great-grandmother's ring, and I couldn't be more proud to be representing that family. I would have been happy with a plastic one from Target so this is more beautiful than I could have asked for.

But the ring is merely a symbol. It's a symbol of the bonds that have been formed over the years through Christ. First by a friendship that was kindled into something deeper and long-lasting. It's a symbol of the new call that the Lord has added- wife (well, not quite yet. But next summer). The more I read about women, the more I learn that humans were created for marriage, as a representation of the Church as the bride of Christ. Our identity as women is founded in this, and it's a huge role to fulfill, one that I will fail at frequently. Yet just as we are imperfect, so is the Church- and God's grace is SO much bigger!

My mouth hurt from smiling last night, and it does today too. My heart is full of joy and expectation for what the Lord has in store for us. I do not deserve this gift, I do not deserve to be the bride of my high school sweetheart, a man who has grown to be so strong in the Lord. But yet, God chose to give it to me anyways, and I take it with open hands, ready to take this next step in this journey of faith!

Follow-up

2011-07-19T17:20:00.007-05:00

Ladies, thank you SO much for your sweet feedback from my post yesterday. I am so excited to know I am not alone in this passion and burden for biblical womanhood. And I'm really eager to see what the Lord will do with this in the future. He is raising up a generation of women who love Jesus first- that is beautiful!

As a sort of "follow-up," I thought I'd post a couple things the Lord put in my path.

First, I had seen Elisabeth Elliot's Let Me Be a Woman this past spring when I was browsing Amazon for some books. So I ordered it, and just got the chance to sit down yesterday and read some of it. I just knew God was smiling when I opened that book. It is all about being a Godly woman in all stages of life- single, married, parent, etc. It was so encouraging to have that this week, as I feel like with every page I am being fed more truth from the Word about who I am and what I am called to be as well as being encouraged and convicted. This is a must-read, and I can guarantee you the entire thing will be underlined when you're done :)

Secondly, my youth pastor's wife gave me a couple blogs to look at when we were discussing healthy cooking. I love experimenting with yummy recipes that are healthy, and I also have a sort of a habit (some may call it an addiction) of reading blogs by moms with big families :)

So I've been perusing these 2 blogs, collecting some potential recipes, and reading inspirational posts on life, love, marriage, and family. Obviously, I'm not at the stage of life yet where these things are directly pertinent, but the Lord uses each season to shape and prepare us. So, I thought I'd share them with all of you lovely ladies as well:

http://www.heavenlyhomemakers.com

http://www.passionatehomemaking.com

You're gonna' love 'em! The only thing that could be better is if they'd adopted hehe :)

Made for this.

2011-07-18T13:53:00.003-05:00

God has slowly been impressing something on my heart these past few weeks, months, years. Last night as I was journaling, I felt like it all kind of came full circle in my head.

I grew up playing house (always the mom), hospital (always the pregnant wife), orphanage (always the caretaker). My barbies, polly pockets, and Playmobil had weddings, adoptions, and births. On a daily basis lol :)

I made our family's first chore chart when i was 10, and from the time I was 13 I spent much of my free time cleaning, doing laundry, or organizing things around the house. I delighted in bringing order to our home, and structure to our family.

The past couple of years have been full of making college decisions, choices of majors and minors. All with the goal in mind of getting a job when I graduate. I know that the Lord has provided the opportunity and the funds for me to get a college degree. And I know without a doubt that these things I am learning, these relationships I am building are going to put forth fruit for the rest of my life. I don't regret taking this path at all.

It wasn't until Spain that the idea of getting a job became a reality. And I freaked out. Realizing that the skills I am learning are going to someday be put forth to an employer. They will evaluate, and if they deem me worthy, they will give me a job. I will then perform these skills to their satisfaction, and they will give me a paycheck, which will help to support my family. For some reason, that idea really scares me. Maybe it's my pleaser personality, my constant fear of failure, which is a lack of faith and trust in the Lord's provision. I've thought about switching majors, or getting a Masters in something other than Spanish, something that maybe wouldn't be so much pressure.

Last night, we went over for dinner at my youth pastor's house. As I helped his wife prepare dinner, we talked about her new whole-foods cooking. She was telling me about grinding grain, making whole-wheat bread for only $0.69, budgeting her weekly menu, and her goals to provide healthy meals for her family while still living within their means. It was funny to see how in only 2 years our conversations had gone from high-school drama to housekeeping. Another conversation with a homeschool mom from our church turned to things they have done with their children such as having them stand up to pray for their meals, or reading the Bible at every meal. The truth of the matter is that these things excite me. The idea of going and getting a job does not satisfy that longing in my heart. But faithfully building a home for my family to live in that is Christ-centered, healthy, secure sounds like the best job that I could ask for. Providing a comfortable, welcoming place for my husband to come home to, and for guests to come into. Providing a safe place for both my birth children, and any foster or adopted children to come into, that they might heal and grow to reach their full potential in Christ. The challenge of using sales and coupons to cook meals. Doing laundry, reading countless children's books over and over again, telling the broken heart of the orphan one more time that I love you and you are part of this family. These are the things that find such value and purpose in my heart.

Now, before this starts coming off as some fairy-tale, romanticized scene of my dreamy future, I do want to acknowledge 2 things. First, work is a part of this life. Genesis 2:15 says "The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it." We were put on this earth to work, but the fall made that work a curse instead of a blessing. Therefore, it is impossible to avoid work, and it is sinful to try. Slothfulness is not of the Lord, and only by work is His kingdom furthered. Therefore, I absolutely believe that women have a place in the work force, and I have no plans to fore-go finding a job. Also, I completely acknowledge that the life of a wife and mom is not easy. It is far from the perfect scene I just wrote about in the above paragraph. While there are endless blessings that come from both of those roles, marriage and parenting do not save us. It is only by the Lord that we can find satisfaction, wholeness, and joy in whatever task He has set us to.

That being said, it has become more and more clear to me that women were made for this. I don't think there's a more beautiful image of womanhood than a mother with a baby in her arms. A mother who truly delights in her children, and delights in her role as help-meet to her husband will have peace and joy through Christ. All those years of playing house, and helping my mom with our home was not just a "little girl thing." It is a desire that is born into the heart of a little girl, that just grows and matures. Why? Because she was made for that. My Dad always told me that there is no higher calling for a woman to be a wife and mother, and I really believe that.

So how do we take this truth in light of the world we live in? How do we blend this high calling from God in a society that values careers, views children as a burden, and wealth as a blessing? How do we as young women prepare our hearts for the coming years when we will have the opportunity to live out this calling?

I don't have any easy answers. But, I am finding such peace and reassurance in the knowledge that our God made the heart of a woman, and He looks down with delight. As I've prayed about these thoughts, I have come to realize that the most important thing is to wait on the Lord's timing. He knows us better than we know ourselves, so He knows the cries of our hearts, the longing, the hopes, the dreams. He knows that we hold these dreams at arm's length, so scared that the hopes we have will be shattered by this harsh world. It gives me strength to hold onto the things that He instilled in me. It encourages me to go to other hurting women and challenge them to push on with the fight to Godly womanhood. We have a God who is trustworthy. We can marvel at His creation, marvel at the intricacies of our souls, and wait on Him. For we were made for this.

Home

2011-07-16T09:00:00.004-05:00

It's 12:45, and everyone is asleep. It's just me, my fruit (i probably eat more fruit than all of your reading this blog put together), Rold Gold pretzels, 19 Kids and Counting, and my computer. Speaking of 19 Kids and Counting, Anna Duggar is about to have her baby so I can't go to bed until the show is finished. I'm pathetic lol.

I have been home for 4 full days now, and it has been wonderful. Time has been surreal, as in some ways I feel like I have been home forever, and in other ways, the time is already going too fast. There have been long walks with Spencer, all the familiar foods, sweet times with family,

sleeping in, and getting to work out again (i know, not exactly everyone's favorite but I do enjoy that).

I have been relaxing while scrapbooking my trip and watching movies. It's been therapeutic to sit down in the basement for hours at a time, letting my creative juices flow while reflecting on my trip. Seeing the pictures on the pages has reminded me again of the incredible opportunity I had the past 7 weeks. I saw so much beauty, history, picturesque sights of Europe.

I have almost exactly one month before school starts. I cannot wait to return to the community that I have there, and I have SO much to look forward to this next year. But I am not at all ready to start school, especially to start another Spanish class.

But until then, I have many more long summer evenings to look forward to, a week of family vacation, a trip to St. Louis to see friends, and more time to recuperate before falling into the chaos of college life again. I'm determined to make the most of every day that I have left of summer, so thankful for the growth the Lord has brought, the blessings He has given, and this wonderful place I call home.

YES

2011-07-13T18:41:00.004-05:00

If you are not familiar with the fabulous family at A Place Called Simplicity, I urge you to go to their blog and get to know them. God has used their journey of faith and trust to both encourage and convict me.

Their latest treasure is Miss Ruby Grace, who they announced they would be adopting here. Tiny Ruby stole her daddy's heart while they were in Uganda last month. And their latest trip, he did everything he could to take care of this precious girl. She weighed 6 pounds when they met her, though she was already 10 months old. She has hydrocephalus, a condition occurs where water collects on the brain. In this case, it is due to her malnourishment. This baby was starved. When they found her at the baby home last month, she was unable to keep any type of food down at all. This past week, they were able to feed her in teeny-tiny bits at a time.

They posted pictures of their precious new daughter, who was left to die- but destined by God to live. My heart broke.

Many ask why. Why would 50-year old parents adopt a baby at all, much less a baby with special needs? Why would parents of 14 children adopt again?

But here's the truth. We as Christians are not called to ask why. We are called to say Yes, Lord, here am I. I mean honestly, who are we to say or do anything but that? Somehow we HAVE to get out of this mindset that our lives are for us. Because they're not. We don't get to live this life for us, and then come back again and serve the needy, care for the orphan, and feed the hungry on Round #2. This isn't a game.

I don't know how to live like that. I don't know that I want to live like that. I write on this blog about how convicted I am, how challenged and encouraged i am to strive to live a life that reflects Christ. But when it really comes down to it, that's a scary thing to actually live out. When you surrender yourself to the Lord like DW and Linny have, BIG things happen. Yet- those BIG things have been beautiful. They have a huge, beautiful family. They have children who once lived in an orphanage, who now know the love of a family and most importantly the love of Jesus.

So as I wrestle through this issue, I want to say YES, Lord, here am I. And if that means adopting a tiny little girl from Uganda with special needs, then I will trust our big God to give me a huge, heaping load of trust and strength.

What big things, or what little things is the Lord asking you to say YES to right now?

He has Spoken

Broken, burdened, feeling lost

Wanting to serve at any cost.

Amazed by my selfishness, blindness, and pride

I act as if I’m the only one in this life.

And then I’m reminded, it shatters me still;

That the children are dying, hungry, ill

My eyes dart away from the face on the screen.

She just can’t be real, it must be a bad dream.

But this precious little girl was somebody’s daughter,

So sick and disabled is she that nobody wants her.

But someone has to love her, someone has to care.

Some has to choose, a jump of faith, a love dare.

This tiny body is perfect in the eyes of her Creator,

A normal life she may not live, but it will glorify the Savior.

What road will we choose? The one of safety, comfort?

Or will we choose to let go and live the one of joy, hurt?

I am crying to Jesus to show me the way

I want to walk the road that makes me trust him day by day

I so long to bring Him glory, serve forgotten, hurting, broken,

And I hold His hand with confidence, knowing He has spoken.

7/7/11

Where I'm At

2011-07-07T11:45:00.003-05:00

I am....

4 days away from going home. God has been faithful.
Full of topics that I want to blog about. The Lord has really been placing some heavy stuff on my heart. I long for my life to glorify Him, and I also long for this blog to glorify Him. SO- when I get home, I'm hoping to get some of those thoughts from paper to computer screen :)
Totally and completely burned out on Spanish. Again, God has been faithful to sustain me, but I have never been so unable to listen to or speak Spanish like I am now. However, at the same time, I've never been so ready to fly to Latin America and use my Spanish.
So ready for Mexican food- Chips, salsa, queso, tortillas, the works :)
Rambling....so I should stop writing. ;)

Love you all and see you in 4 days!

Almost accomplished

2011-07-04T09:15:00.003-05:00

My stack of flashcards and books

The list of some of the kings of Spain. Definitely didn't get those memorized!

1,000+ new vocabulary words

12 vocabulary tests

18 single-sided notebook pages full of notes on the Spanish history

20+ hours of studying for said history exam

1 entire notebook of Grammar and Conversation notes

4 compositions

1 6-page research paper

= 1 accomplished study abroad student.

Only 3 more days of classes and I'm DONE! :)

1 God of the Nations

2011-07-04T09:14:00.000-05:00

I had the wonderful blessing to go over to a family’s house for dinner on Wednesday. I had met Jacqueline, the wife, at church on Sunday. She is a short, round-faced, brown-eyed passionate woman. Her face is always in a huge smile that radiates the joy in her heart. She is the most hospitable woman in the church, and she chooses to open her home once a week to students and young people. Upon meeting her, she handed me a pen and told me to write down my email, because I am coming to dinner on Wednesday! Alrighty then! I was nervous, and almost talked myself out of going. That next day, I talked with another student from the church who mentioned Jacqueline and how she has a huge passion for the orphans. What?! God could not have matched me up with a more perfect friend.

So I responded to the email and told her I would be honored to join her for dinner. I met up with another American, and we took a bus (where I saw the poor family from my previous post) to her apartment. Upon entering her apartment, I was surrounded by nothing but hospitality and fellowship. By the end of dinner, there were 8 people plus a baby gathered around their table from 5 countries, united by Spanish and a love of God. Jacqueline’s husband, Alfonso, was a delightful man. There was banter throughout the entire meal, and I was so happy to be able to participate and understand what was going on. It was really sweet to watch Jacqueline and Alfonso throughout the night. Alfonso would frequently address Jacqueline as “Mi princesa,” my princess. What woman doesn’t want to be called that?! There was obvious respect, love, and admiration.

At the end of the night, Jacqueline gathered us all around the living room. We held hands, and she prayed a blessing over us. Just a sweet, simple blessing to the Lord. It was beautiful. 5 nations, 1 tongue, 1 God.

Defining Moment

2011-07-04T09:13:00.000-05:00

I feel as though this week has been rather distinctive. Definitely a defining week in my time here. I’ll try to sum up all of my experiences. But to start- a scene that has been heavy on my heart.

Last Wednesday I took a bus to a different part of Salamanca, and when I walked up to the bus stop, there was this little girl with darker skin and dark hair, and I immediately thought of Guatemala. She looked to be about 6, and just like any child, she was running back and forth. When she turned around, I caught a glimpse of her face and my heart skipped a beat. There was something about her features that looked so much like Claudia. Except this sweet girl had obviously lived a very hard life. Her clothes were worn, her teeth rotting, and her round, brown eyes were rather sunken. They were the same round eyes as Claudia, and her smile was precious. The innocence of childhood and the spark of joy were still lingering there.

I watched as she skipped back to her family, and my heart broke. They looked like they were merely surviving, just scraping by. The mom had a very long, dark face that was hardened by the world. It had an almost scary look to it, so full of bitterness were her eyes and facial expression. She resembled some of the Gypsies that I’d seen, and I wondered if perhaps that is where she got her unusual features. The dad looked to be South American. In front of the dad was a stroller with a little boy in it. He looked to be about 3, and there was something very, very wrong with him. He reminded me of the pictures I see of pediatric cancer patients in the hospitals. He had peach fuzz on top of his head, with the same beautiful big eyes that just popped out of his thin little face. He was smiling and shouting things at his sister, as his gruff dad stood with arms crossed, waiting for the bus to arrive. A second stroller held a little baby, and though I didn’t see much of him, he had the same beautiful skin as the rest, blissfully sleeping, still unaware of the rough world in which he had entered just months ago. I wrote in my journal the next day, “That family made my heart hurt. They made me uncomfortable, and even a little scared. I had not seen such an unhealthy, poor, desperate family yet on this trip. Their faces have continued to haunt me all day.”

THIS is why I am learning Spanish. To go love on children, to minister to families, to help broken mothers like that get on the path to hope. I so long to do that. Waiting on the Lord for His will and His timing has been so hard, so transforming, and so beautiful.

For whatever reason, that family brought out this deep love and burden even more. I don’t know what will come of it. Sometimes the Lord just desires to remind us of His call. Other times, He’s growing that seed a little bit more, for something special.

Dad, I don’t think our time in Guatemala is finished. Can’t wait to see what the Lord is doing J

Everything we need

2011-06-29T10:54:00.002-05:00

In this life, we are faced with feelings of incompetency daily. We're not strong enough, smart enough, talented, or gifted for the task at hand. But you know what? That's ok.

One of my favorite quotes is from John Piper:

"God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called."

We have no need to despair because He knows better than anyone that we don't have what it takes to do this life. Without Him, that is! Our lack of wisdom, strength, or talent gives Him an opportunity to give us what we need. He can qualify us for the call- and this brings Him glory.

"And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it forth to completion at the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

He has a plan and a purpose, and He has promised to bring it forth to completion. When we mess up, He will cover us with His grace. What we are lacking, He will give.

We have everything we need for today, tomorrow, and a lifetime of heeding the call of the Kingdom.

Trust Completely

2011-06-25T17:56:00.004-05:00

I have been really struggling with trust the past couple of weeks. I have come to realize that trust is one of the major themes of the Christian life. You never stop having to trust God, and it seems as though the things He asks you to trust Him with get bigger and bigger. The thing that the Lord has deeply convicted me about this weekend is how I trust. There are 2 aspects of trusting the Lord. One is first trusting with the knowledge that He is trustworthy. In your mind and heart, you know that He is sovereign and worthy of trust. But there is also a second part. This is the action of trusting. This means that when you lay your life down at His feet in an act of surrender, you allow His peace, joy, and hope to fill you. This is not to say that Christians do not feel fear, insecurity, and doubt. In this world, we are not capable of trusting the Lord perfectly. That perfect trust was found only in Eden, and will be found again in Heaven. But the hope and joy of the Lord should reign in the heart of a Christian who trusts. Because if you truly believe God, if you truly trust His promises, then there is no reason why you should go around with a heart full of insecurity, fear, doubt, and anxiety. The presence of these things is a direct result of disbelief, of not trusting God.

That was me this week. I said I believed Him, but my countenance, my attitude, and my behavior did not reflect it. I was discouraged and negative. I was not reflecting a peaceful attitude of trust, of rest in the Savior. I was holding tight to everything I told God I trusted Him with. It was like in some way, I liked carrying around those burdens, because it meant that i had some control over my life. But as the Lord showed me this weekend, I cannot fully trust Him while holding the reins. It doesn't work like that. When I say I trust God, I have to DO it. I have to hand over my life, my heart, my future and trust the Lord's sovereign plan!

"For You, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O Lord, since youth. " Psalm 71:5

"O taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!" Psalm 34:8

"Let the righteous one rejoice in the Lord and take refuge in him! Let all the upright in heart exult! Psalm 64:10

"But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation." Psalm 13:5

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave or forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

Through putting our trust in Him completely, we are blessed, filled with joy, overcome with hope. We cannot, and should not, live our lives in fear and anxiety. It is not glorifying to the Lord, and it does not show others that He is a God to be trusted- in all things.

This poem came from some journaling this weekend. I was writing and asking the Lord to teach me how to trust more fully. I was really hoping He would show me something practical. You know, like go read this Scripture, or go read this book. But instead, I got this picture in my head of God sitting next to me. He takes my face in His hands, looks me in the eyes, and says simply, "Trust me, Daughter."

Trust me.

My hands hold tight the doubt and fear, the worries of my day

They push away the joy and peace, destructive in every way.

They tell me keep trying, their whispers enticing as they leadeth me astray

As I sink to the bottom I know my heart's gotten tricked by the nasty prey

Jesus knelt in the Garden, a night of surrender, in anguish his sweat thick with blood

Father if you are willing, please take this cup from me; yet not my will but your will be done.

He faced fear unimaginable, pain without measure, yet He trusted the plan of the One

Whose power and glory shape each of our stories, in this race in which we run.

I long to open my hands in surrender, to quiet my heart in His truth

To trust my God, my tender Love, the Father of me and of you.

I look for a book to help me, a "how-to-trust" hint, tip, or two

But when he looks in my eyes, He says TRUST. You are mine. Trust, and let hope rise anew.

6/25/11

Visuals

2011-06-24T16:49:00.004-05:00

I'm a visual girl. I wonder sometimes if half my brain isn't on lists, post-its notes, and planners. I like to see things in front of me, cross it off, and see organization and progress! So my study break today ended up being a little art project with old papers, scissors, and a stapler :)

Do you know what it is??

It's a countdown!!

17 little links on a chain.

Mexican food, my own bed, movies, family- it's coming soon!

16 years

2011-06-23T16:13:00.003-05:00

These 2 brothers of mine are 16 years old today. Can you believe it?! I can't.

My earliest memories of childhood are during my mom's pregnancy with the boys. She was on bed rest for a lot of it, but it gave us some sweet mommy-daughter time before 2 little baby boys rocked my world. I remember feeling very frustrated when they first came home. Everybody came to see the little babies. Which I can't blame them- it's not their fault they were so darn cute. However, regardless of the decrease in attention, I was a very proud big sister.

We played Barbies and G.I. Joes for hours. Playmobile. House. (Can you tell they had an older sister?). I bossed them around like nobody's business and earned the nickname "Mommy Molly" or "Little Mother." I'm so sorry, brothers, for ruining that part of your childhood! Nobody needs 2 moms in their life!

As we got older, they found their own friends, and I found mine. Our time together was limited, and I really did miss them. A couple summers ago, however, the Lord did a huge work in our family. And that was the summer that my brothers and I became friends. :)

When I left for school, I truly missed them so much. Occasional texts, facebook, and phone calls occur but it's just not the same. Now, they're going to climb into a car for the first time by themselves and drive down the street with license in hand- and I don't get to see it! But I couldn't be more proud of these 2 boys.

Happy birthday, Noah. You have become such a sweet, gentle, and caring young man. You've gone from being the little one in the family to leaving me as the shortest! Your mind and heart have grown right along with your height. Your motivation for school is so encouraging to see, and I promise that it will take you far. Your sharp mind and aptitude for fixing things with patience is going to be used by God. You're going to love college, and you'll find just the right place in His timing. Some lucky girl is going to fall in love with your quick heart of service and attentiveness. Thank you for making me feel loved and welcome when I'm home. Thank you for bringing so much laughter and joy to our family. Your 16th year is a special one, a year with a lot of independence and freedom. Stay close to Jesus, and let Him grow you even more into the man He wants you to be. I love you so much, lil' bro. Happy birthday!

To my dearest Caleb. I love your name, by the way. Did I ever tell you that? As I've watched you tower over me this past year, I have seen a strength develop in you. I feel so safe standing next to you, and I can only imagine what you will be for your family some day in the future. But for now, those strong muscles are working so hard. I'm so proud of you! You are doing just as the Lord called man to do- to move the soil and be productive. Work can be done in joy- and you have allowed God to tune your heart to that attitude. Your sensitive spirit has always been such an incredible aspect of who you are. Continue to be sensitive, Caleb. Be sensitive to the Spirit, keep your heart so soft towards others. I cannot wait to see what the Lord has for your future, brother. He has GREAT plans for you. It will be such a delight to gather together in the future (just like Dad does with Diane and Steve) and see all that the Lord is doing in each of our lives. May your 16th birthday mark the beginning of a year of growth, hope, and service as you press on after our God. I love you so much!

So from across the ocean, happy birthday to the twins who make our family complete :) Cumpleanos feliz!

On Spain and the like...Parenthood!

2011-06-21T16:21:00.003-05:00

One of my favorite aspects of culture so far has been watching the way that Spaniards parent. Just like any of these posts, I'm merely an observer, so take my opinions with a grain of salt.

1. Parenting is a family affair here in Spain. The grandparents are extremely involved, and I see as many grandparents pushing strollers as I do parents. Many of my group's host moms watch their grandchildren on a daily basis while the parents work. It's a sweet circle of family connection, and I love that the kids are not going to daycare as often.

2. In general, parenting seems a very equal role in the home. Every morning, I watch the dads walk their children to school. It is also not at all unusual to see dads out pushing babies in strollers. I feel like this especially is not seen in the U.S. I always get a sarcastic attitude from American moms that, "Oh my husband just can't do the diaper thing. Or he just can't handle it when she cries. Yada yada yada." Personally, I have so much respect for dads here who have an active role with their kiddos. Definitely something from this culture that I would love to instill into my future family :)

3. I have seen only 4 families that have more than 3 kids. 2 is very typical, and of course there's the typical twins. I can definitely say that I like the South American big family perspective better :)

4. Spaniards are very concerned about their outward appearance. Americans are too, I'll be the first to admit it. But the level of formality here is so much higher than in the United States. So being a mom in Spain has a whole load of "qualities." First, you have to have a really nice stroller. Like super nice. They have fancy wheels, storage compartments, umbrellas, and all of this padding and fabric. After watching thousands of strollers the past month, I have come to the conclusion that this is not for convenience but for appearance. Because every mom pushing these fancy strollers is stick-skinny, wearing platform shoes, trendy clothes, gorgeous hair, and perfect make-up. Being a mom means alot more than having a baby. It means keeping up to the stereotype here. No "mom jeans" allowed EVER!

5. The last, and possibly most fascinating thing that I've yet to see one mom nursing. I also have yet to see one baby sling or carrier. The baby is ALWAYS in the stroller, never in the mother's arms, even in a restaurant. In public, it seems to be a very distant parenting style, and the complete opposite of the newer "bonding" parenting methods that are popular in the United States right now.

After a month here, I can safely say that I have fallen in love with Spanish families. Despite the rather distant parenting style or the "chick-mom-look," I have witnessed sooo many precious moments between these kids and their parents. Love is love is love- no matter what country you're in. Whether you have a $500 stroller in Spain, a comfy wrap-around sling in the US, or a simple piece of fabric in Guatemala, these mamas love their children.

While I'll definitely take back some aspects of the family culture, I like to keep my dream of lots of little ones from different countries, wearing my yoga pants and adoption t-shirts :)

Suit of Armor

2011-06-21T08:25:00.003-05:00

We saw these suits of armor in El Alcazar in Segovia a couple of weekends ago. For some reason, this image of a real coat of armor was extremely profound to me, and it was much more than just a historical artifact. I attribute this to 2 things. First, being here in Spain by myself really raised my awareness of my own vulnerability, specifically as a woman. The guys could walk all over Spain and never have to worry about getting back to their apartment safely. They can go out to a discoteca with friends and never have to worry about a twisted man going after them. They can walk through the streets without guys whistling at them, or saying "Guapa chica!" as though they were an object to look at and covet. This vulnerability was really scary to me, especially when we were traveling in so many different places. Now that we're "at home" in Salamanca, it's a bit less scary, but there are still moments I wish that I could crawl into this armor and hide from all of the "bad guys" (literally...and figuratively).

This morning, I was really battling frustration and discouragement. I was thinking about how I just wanted to go somewhere away from all of the school drama, away from the exhaustion of this program- and the Lord brought this suit of armor to mind, and used it to show me a really beautiful picture. My fearful, faithless self wants to hide from the world. I want to use the armor to hide from the evil that I see, to shield my eyes from the orphans down the street, to block out the noise of hurting people, to forget about everything. But that is NOT what the Lord has for me, and it is not what He has for any believer. Instead, He has called us to PUT ON this armor and FIGHT.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, Ephesians 6:10-18

We are in a battle. I can really feel the battle right now where I'm at and it's hard. But He has not called us to hide in our armor. He has called us to stand firm, pray, keep alert.

The second part of the word picture the Lord gave me today was the image of a knight in shining armor coming to save us. That knight is Jesus. He is the perfect Warrior, and He has already been victorious over all. So when we are tired of the fight, when we are bruised and wounded, when we want to give up, we are promised that our fight is not in vain. For not a moment too late, Jesus is going to come again to fight for us. And when that time comes, we will be given the beautiful gift of perfect eternal rest in His arms. Is that not encouraging? Can I hear an amen? I know that I'm preaching to myself here in the middle of Spain, giving myself a "pep talk." But I know that I am not alone in this army, and I know that I am not the only one feeling weary. So dear brothers and sisters, stand firm with me. Take up your cross, whatever it is, and move forward one step at a time. In Christ Jesus, through His grace, and through His strength alone, may we be victorious. Amen.

Here's a poem I wrote after recieiving that encouragement from the Lord this morning:

Suit of Armor

I want to climb in that suit of armor,

It offers me safety, shelter, peace

I want to get away from this evil world

That threatens to crush a part of me

But we cannot hide from what’s broken

For on the cross Christ set us free

That I may live my life in total surrender,

Knowing He has a plan for me.

So I lift up my eyes to the heavens,

For His face alone will I seek.

As I give of myself to others,

Who have not this hope and this peace.

I await the Knight in shining armor,

To gather us close to His breast.

Where we’ll cease our striving and trying,

And be ushered into eternal rest.

6/21/11

It's safe to jump

2011-06-19T16:45:00.002-05:00

"Your daddy is standing in a swimming pool out a little bit from the edge. You are, let’s say, three years old and standing on the edge of the pool. Daddy holds out his arms to you and says, “Jump, I’ll catch you. I promise.” Now, how do you make your daddy look good at that moment? Answer: trust him and jump. Have faith in him and jump. That makes him look strong and wise and loving. But if you won’t jump, if you shake your head and run away from the edge, you make your daddy look bad. It looks like you are saying, “he can’t catch me” or “he won’t catch me” or “it’s not a good idea to do what he tells me to do.” And all three of those make your dad look bad.

But you don’t want to make God look bad. So you trust him. Then you make him look good–which he really is. And that is what we mean when we say, “Faith glorifies God” or “Faith gives God glory.” It makes him look as good as he really is. So trusting God is really important.

And the harder it seems for him to fulfill his promise, the better he looks when you trust him. Suppose that you are at the deep end of a pool by the diving board. You are four years old and can’t swim, and your daddy is at the other end of the pool. Suddenly a big, mean dog crawls under the fence and shows his teeth and growls at you and starts coming toward you to bite you. You crawl up on the diving board and walk toward the end to get away from him. The dog puts his front paws up on the diving board. Just then, your daddy sees what’s happening and calls out, “Johnny, jump in the water. I’ll get you.”

Now, you have never jumped from one meter high and you can’t swim and your daddy is not underneath you and this water is way over your head. How do you make your daddy look good in that moment? You jump. And almost as soon as you hit the water, you feel his hands under your arms and he treads water holding you safely while someone chases the dog away. Then he takes you to the side of the pool.

We give glory to God when we trust him to do what he has promised to do–especially when all human possibilities are exhausted. Faith glorifies God. That is why God planned for faith to be the way we are justified."
— John Piper

I read this on Shonni's blog today, and while she intended it for Father's Day, it really hit my heart.

I feel like right now I'm doing a lot of treading water. As I start to lose faith, I feel myself start to sink. It is then that through prayer, the Word, or other's encouragement that I remember those strong arms holding me up.

Faith glorifies God. Through our struggling, through our forgetfulness in His promises, our faith brings glory to the One who saves us.

Whether you're contemplating the jump, treading water, or getting out from the other side, keep in mind His promises. He will never leave you or forsake you, and He is faithful to deliver.

Happy Father's Day!

2011-06-19T16:40:00.003-05:00

I'm going to call this post my Father's Day post.

But just for the record....

I love my...

Tom McCann/Vans/Converse-wearing, computer-fixing, chocolate-eating, joke-making, book-reading, Jesus-following, Family-loving, best-ever dad!

Happy Father's Day daddy!

May you feel my hug from across the ocean!

Love you!

Always your little bear,

Molly :)

Orphanage Update

2011-06-18T15:38:00.003-05:00

As the time got close to 1:30 today (the time I'd decided to go to the orphanage) I got more and more nervous. Maybe I should write just one more paragraph of this composition, or maybe I should study just a little more of my vocabulary. No, it is 1:33 and it is time for you to go and do this. So me and my trusty map head out on a very short walk to the orphanage.

As I approach the building it looks rather...official. It has the Spanish and Salamanca flag in the front, and the entire area is gated off, with a sign on the front that translates to: Salamanca Government Social Services. It looked so official that I thought maybe I'd misunderstood that it was an office building for social workers. So I walked around the building, which is located right next to a small "park" and found that inside the gated area in the back is a play area with a slide. This has to be it. This has to be the building. It was so different than Eagle's Nest. The second I got out of the car there I could hear the kids' shouts and babies crying. But this building radiated nothing but silence. As I rounded the corner I knew that nobody was going to come out and invite me in. I had to be brave, and I had to go up, ring the bell, go through the gate, and introduce myself. What if they didn't let me in? What if I couldn't speak in Spanish?

I walked around one last time, praying for confidence and strength. All certainty in my Spanish had all but disappeared. Before I knew it, I was back in front of the main gate. I timidly pushed the bell, half-hoping that maybe it was broken so I would have an excuse not to go in. But, within a second I heard the click of the lock, and I pushed the gate open. A young woman opened the door of the building and I could see a small child hiding behind her leg. As I reached the door I found my voice, and in very broken Spanish introduced myself and said that I would like to help if they would need me. I watched as the little boy came out from behind the woman, and I saw a beautiful brown-skinned 3-year old with dark brown hair and beautiful deep eyes. He had a cute little name tag necklace on, showing all signs of a typical toddler's crayon scribbling. The woman, who was obviously very busy, explained that I could come back on Monday at 11 or 12. The children were eating lunch at the moment and she needed to get back to them. I gave a quick thank you as the little boy yelled, "Adios!" and I walked back down the sidewalk. At this point, I had realized that it was not a good idea to leave without telling her that I have class until 1 on weekdays. But in the moment, I was so nervous and flustered that I couldn't even think of how to say that.

I sank down onto a bench in the park and fought back tears of joy, sorrow, everything (girls can cry for no particular reason, right?!) :) That sweet boy could have come right out of Guatemala (and he no doubt was born to Central/South American immigrants). Now that I've seen a face, there's no way that I can't go back, no way that I won't go over to that park and pray for the children who are in that building. I couldn't wait to go back and see all the other little ones in there. Resolved to return on Monday afternoon I headed back to my apartment. My host mom was eager to hear how it went and without hesitation said that she wants to go back with me! She went from telling me that she didn't want to think about it anymore to asking if she could go with me! So on Monday afternoon my Spanish mama and I are going to go see if we can have a tour of the building and maybe set up a time for me to help out. I'm eager to see what comes of my time at the orphanage but even more so, I'm excited at the thought of my Spanish mom being broken for the orphan along with me. I'm praying that through our experience, and through our talks, that the Lord will draw her closer to Himself.

I have 24 more days here, and I'm not going to let any of them go to waste!

Can't wait...

2011-06-18T06:10:00.003-05:00

To see these faces :)

To hear all about my brothers' drivers license experiences. They turn 16 in 5 days!

To look UP to my brothers- I've been told I'm now the shortest in the family!

To eat normal food with them in our cozy kitchen.

To worship with them in our church.

To enjoy family time on vacation.

This guy is in China right now!

Can't wait to hear all his stories, compare cultures, and hear what God did during our trips.

Can't wait to see these faces!

24 more days...not that I'm counting or anything :)

On Spain and the like #2...Relationships!!

2011-06-17T09:28:00.005-05:00

Spaniards are very relational people. As I mentioned in my previous post, they really don't idolize their time like Americans do. Therefore, they have an almost endless amount of time to go out walking, sit at a cafe, go for tapas, or drink a glass of wine with people. Their culture is extremely social, and from what I've seen, people are definitely a higher priority than their work. I'd venture to say that perhaps Americans could learn a little bit from this perspective.

Another interesting aspect of their relational culture is physical touch. Now, this can obviously be a very shocking thing to see. Many couples take the "European liberty" and have quite the public display of affection. But I'm just talking about the ordinary everyday life. When I'm walking down the street, 90% of every couple- young, old, married, not married- are either holding hands, the man's arm around the woman's shoulder, or the woman has her hand tucked into the man's arm. 90%. I really think it's sweet. For the younger couples, I feel like it's a symbol of the man protecting the woman. For the older couples, it's also a symbol of protection, but also of support. They will physically support each other as they make it down the long, cobblestone roads without tripping. I realized the other day that I unconsciously wonder if a couple's relationship must not be very good if they're not somehow touching as they walk. The moment I get back to the States that thought will be gone, but it's such the norm here!

Unfortunately, because of the heavy party scene here, one-night stands are quite frequent. One of my teachers asked us how American boys "flirt." We were so confused, because typically you meet a girl, you get to know her as friends, and then maybe you'll start dating eventually. This concept was completely foreign to her. She said, "Well here, you meet a girl at the discoteca and take her home with you." A sad but true reality that I know happens in the United States just as much, it's just not considered the social norm for starting relationships??

Marriage is much less common here than in the States. It is extremely normal for couples to live together and never officially marry. And if they do make it official, it is normal for a woman to get married around 30, 32, or even 35. After all, when you have all the time in the world, why hurry?! That being said, I have several observations:

1. I don't sense the strong desire from women to get married and have a family. Me, my friends, and the majority of young women in America have their wedding all planned out, and they don't want to wait until they're 30 to get married. But there's not any rush here.

2. I have seen more sets of twins in the past month than I've ever seen in the United States, and I really am not exaggerating. I haven't asked about this, but my guess is that these couples are getting married late, and due to the decrease in fertility, having to turn to modern methods such as IVF, which frequently result in multiples.

The couples here are solid (at least they appear to be). I have never seen so many older couples together, holding hands, out walking. That beautiful sign of mutual respect and love that is only present after years of living life together- the good, the bad, and the ugly. My heart melts every time I walk through the park and see them together. A sweet sight that you see only occasionally in the United States.

Alright, well that's probably more than you wanted to know, so I'll sign off for now!

Until next time,

Your faithful Spain reporter :)

Just when you least expect it...

2011-06-16T16:15:00.003-05:00

Hope has a way of turning *its* face to you

just when you least expect it

you walk in a room you look out a window

and something there leaves you breathless

you say to yourself it's been a while since I felt this

but it feels like it might be hope

Sarah Groves "It Might Be Hope"

I've been running on empty this week, after several draining days of school and home life here.

After another long day, I'd started to get used to frustrating and disappointing moments, and to be honest, I was just expecting more of them.

But tonight was different.

I had a dream 2 nights ago about Eagle's Nest. It was extremely vivid, especially with Claudia and Ornoria. And it broke my heart. Ever since I've been here, I've of course had my ears perked up for any talk of foster care, adoption, orphans. I had heard of 2 Chinese adoptions, and a comment about foster care but that was it. My heart has really been heavy for the orphan ever since that dream, and so I decided to ask my host mom about it tonight. She's used to typical questions about food and culture, but I don't think she's ever had a conversation about adoption and orphans in Spain.

She turns around from the stove, and with a somber face tells me that there's an orphanage down the street. Down the street. Down the street. Down the street. I could have been placed in ANY part of Salamanca. Miles away. But the Lord placed me HERE. In this crazy, dramatic, and somewhat stressful home that is right next to an orphanage.

I was planning on just walking by it this weekend, but she said that they would surely let me inside. My heart is breaking and my mind is racing. Just a block away is an entire building of the fatherless. Just a block away are people who are giving their lives to care for these children day in and day out. Even if I don't get to go in, it makes this trip seem so much more real, and so much more purposeful.

My host mom kept saying how she had goose bumps on her arms all night thinking about me going there. She doesn't even like to talk or think about orphans in her country because it breaks her heart and makes her so sad. She said she doesn't have the strength to go there. So in 15 minutes of conversation I had the chance to tell her about the hope that I have. That without this hope in God, I would not be able to see the face of another orphan. I told her my heart has indeed been broken many times, but I lean on the strength of God, and look to His hope. This passion is not on my strength. I focus on one orphan at a time, praise the Lord for every family that brings home just one more. One less orphan. One more family.

In the midst of a week when all hope was gone, and where I felt my purpose being drained out of me, the Lord moves. Just when I least expect it.

I so appreciate your prayers as I start on this completely unexpected journey to minister to the orphan here in Spain. I really don't know what the next few weeks will hold. I'm not sure that I'm ready to be broken again. I'm not sure I really want to be reminded of what their little voices sound like, speaking Spanish and giggling. But I am learning Spanish for these precious ones. I am memorizing Spanish verbs for those who are forgotten. And while I don't know how the pieces of the mosaic are all going to fit together, I know that this piece in Spain is going to be a part of it.

He has told you, O man, what is good;
and^(P) what does the LORD require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,^[b]
and to^(Q) walk humbly with your God?

Micah 6:10

Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this:^(C)to visit^(D) orphans and widows in their affliction, and^(E) to keep oneself^(F) unstained from the world.

James 1:27

Standing on the Promise

2011-06-14T14:48:00.001-05:00

So i'm going to take a quick intermission from my On Spain and the Like posts to talk about life.

Standing on the Promises

Standing on the promises of Christ my King,

Through eternal ages let His praises ring,

Glory in the highest, I will shout and sing,

Standing on the promises of God.

Standing, standing,

Standing on the promises of God my Savior;

Standing, standing,

I’m standing on the promises of God.

Standing on the promises that cannot fail,

When the howling storms of doubt and fear assail,

By the living Word of God I shall prevail,

Standing on the promises of God.

Standing on the promises I now can see

Perfect, present cleansing in the blood for me;

Standing in the liberty where Christ makes free,

Standing on the promises of God.

Standing on the promises of Christ the Lord,

Bound to Him eternally by love’s strong cord,

Overcoming daily with the Spirit’s sword,

Standing on the promises of God.

Standing on the promises I cannot fall,

Listening every moment to the Spirit’s call

Resting in my Savior as my all in all,

Standing on the promises of God.

I've been standing on the promises this week, reminding myself of what the Lord has done, what He has said. The lyrics of this hymn popped into my head yesterday and when I looked them up I found them so encouraging. "When the storms of doubt and fear prevail...by the Living Word of God I shall prevail.." That is so where my heart is at right now. There is some definite spiritual warfare going on here in Spain and it is really putting me to the test.

Yet the Lord has put practical encouragement and truth right in my path, and even when it feels like everything's kind of falling apart I know that my feet are standing on truth. And that truth is stronger, more powerful, and more secure than any type of academic or earthly success.

So I share with you these promises, that your heart may grasp hold of them along with me. My prayer for this blog is for it to be a ministry and blessing to others. If you're in the storm of fear and doubt, take hold of the Truth that our God has given. He promises to equip us with strength for the trial, and He will never give us more than we can bear. His plans are for a hope and future, and He is good, even when life doesn't seem to be going the way we wanted it to.

Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for^(A) he who is in you is greater than^(B)he who is in the world. 1 John 4:4

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. ⁵Let your reasonableness be known to everyone.^(H) The Lord is at hand; ⁶^(I) do not be anxious about anything,^(J) but in everything by prayer and supplication^(K) with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷And^(L) the peace of God,^(M) which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:5-7

You keep him in perfect peace
whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in you.
⁴Trust in the LORD forever,
for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock.

Do not fear for I am with you, Do not anxiously look about you... (I Peter 5:7)

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for^(E) he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

Stand firm on His promises- for the one who called you is FAITHFUL!

On Spain and the like...Time

2011-06-13T16:48:00.005-05:00

Welcome to the first edition of On Spain and the Like! :)

Time. Such an abstract concept. Yet one that we manage to weave into every aspect of our lives.

I had been to Central America, so I knew the "manana, manana" attitude. But here in Spain, I really don't even think they plan tomorrow. There is just no concept of time here unless you're at a train station or an airport. This aspect of European culture absolutely shapes their society.

I went running today and as usual, the benches were full of people. The playground was packed with families, sidewalks full of strollers, the dog park full of happy dogs (more on them later).

The cafes always have people sitting and enjoying wine, beer, or some tapas.

You've heard of the siesta, right? Well it's for real. They have a siesta here EVERY day. I seriously think that the majority of the stores are closed more often than they're open. They typically don't open until after 9. Then they have their siesta from 2-4:30. Then they may re-open again, only to close around 7. So frustrating for the 24-7 Walmart, Walgreens American!

The other day, we were walking to the Plaza and people were just standing on their balconies. Just standing there, doing nothing, just watching.

I asked my teacher if we would be having a test this week. Her response? Oh....we'll see. If we need more time, we'll just take it next week! No syllabus, no plan, no schedule.

An average meal here at a restaurant easily takes over an hour. And when you're done? You just get to sit some more! When I asked for the check several weeks ago the waitress looked at me in shock and said, "What's wrong?! Is something the matter?!" Nope. I'm just done eating and i'm ready to get on with my day!

The concept of to-do lists, planners, and schedules is non-existent here, and while it completely goes against my nature, I kind of like it!

On Spain and the like....

2011-06-13T10:38:00.002-05:00

So, if you haven't figured it out yet, I'm living in Spain right now! The past week I've found myself falling into a little bit of a rhythm here. And anyone who has spent any time with me knows that I am a schedule girl. If I have a routine, then I can manage life. If everything's chaotic, let's just say that Molly gets a little crabby. :) Anyways, a really fascinating part about getting to know the area has been the opportunity to see cultural norms here. Analyze families, gender roles, lifestyles, marriage, relationships. I have always loved reading about other cultures or time periods and seeing what a typical "day in the life" was like.

So, I decided that while I'm here, I'll start a sort of series entitled On Spain and the Like. It'll be a chance for me to put into writing what I'm seeing (so I won't forget), and hopefully a chance for you to get a little taste of Spain. So stay tuned! :)

Santo, Santo

2011-06-12T13:53:00.003-05:00

santo 1 -ta adjetivo

( Relig )

‹lugar/mujer/vida› holy;

–adjective

specially recognized as or declared sacred by religious use orauthority; consecrated: holy ground.

dedicated or devoted to the service of god, the church, or religion: a holy man.

saintly; godly; pious; devout: a holy life.

"Holy, holy, Lord God almighty.

Worthy is the lamb who was slain.

Highest praises, honor, and glory;

Be unto Your name."

We went to church today for the first time. It's a little church tucked away in a corner. It's not a giant cathedral and it doesn't look like much from the outside. But I've never been so excited to walk into a simple building. Once inside, I knew that we had found a second family. For the beautiful thing about being a child of God is that you have millions of brothers and sisters, all around the world.

When we entered the main room, there were people everywhere. Hugging, laughing, talking, greeting eachother. Children ran up and down the aisles, burning off energy before the service. Elderly people sat clustered together, greeting newcomers, or just waiting for the service to start.

This was more of an informal worship service, and following the pastor's greeting, they alternated between music and sharing Scripture. The men of the church would stand and encourage the body. It was beautiful. The Lord created men to lead the Church, to teach, to admonish, and this particular body is following that example so well.

Most of the songs were unfamiliar until "Be Unto Your Name." The congregation sang so loudly, as one body. "Santo, Santo, Dios Todoperderoso." Holy, Holy, Lord God Almighty.

He is HOLY. I can't even grasp holy, or find words to describe a sacred God. My heart tightens when I remember church in Guatemala. Singing those very same words, with the little hands of orphans in mine as we sang together. Here in Spain, again with brothers and sisters in Christ. There is something about me that absolutely bows before the Lord when I hear praises in this tongue. It's so beautiful. Our God is holy, the God of the nations, of every tribe and tongue.

Holy

The faithful, they gather, to worship to pray

Share the hope of Christ Jesus returning someday

To come save this world from the hurt and the pain

To come and trade sunshine for the thunder and rain.

They sing of His holiness, sing of His grace,

They commune together and seek His face.

The tears fill my ears as their voices lift higher,

I imagine the Kingdom with an international choir.

When the jumble of voices with one tongue will sing,

Holy, Holy, Holy, is our Lord, God, and King.

6/12/11

My Dad

2011-06-10T08:12:00.006-05:00

So my dad went home on Wednesday. We had a wonderful time together. Like seriously probably the best 5 days I've ever had with him. I was burned out and exhausted (sorry dad) but him being here was so refreshing, secure, normal, and fun. We had some great laughs, which I may recount on here as I find the time.

I was walking to school today and thinking about my family. Thinking about how on earth I got to be here in Spain, learning Spanish, planning on using Spanish for ministry and/or a career. How did it start? And I realized that the Lord really used my dad for this. He started me on Rosetta Stone way back when I was a little girl. He homeschooled me (i loved it). Then instead of throwing away a girlhood dream of going to Guatemala and loving on orphans, he took me! We went to a country that doesn't speak Spanish, and for some crazy reason, he trusted his 15 year old daughter to translate for him.
Since then, we've been to Guatemala 3 more times together. He's seen me have amazing conversations with people, the highlights. He's also seen me at my lowest, the times when I can't understand and can't speak anything back. Or there's the time I was so overwhelmed I just refused to translate for him at all haha. That was bad. But he's been there. Every time. I've messed up a lot. Let me say that again. I've messed up alot. But not once has he not shown grace and love. Not once has he ever told me that I can't do this. His trip here was just what I needed, and made for some precious memories that will last longer than any Spanish dictionary ever will.

I also inherited his way with words. So, this poem is for you, Dad. Thanks for being here for me, for believing in me and walking this journey right alongside me. You and mom are the best :)

Just Me and My Dad

Always there to call me beautiful,

to correct me when I'm wrong.

Arms wide open to fall right into,

for a cry (even when it's long) :)

We've been on the greatest adventures,

Just my daddy and me.

Our rental cars giving us stories,

Especially when we start driving east.

He's been there from the start of my Spanish,

a love of Guatemala we've shared.

He's seen me at the worst of my moments,

but shown me only love and care.

He's been my biggest cheerleader,

For him a translator I've learned to be.

From rosetta stone to community college,

He's always believed in me.

I'm so blessed to be his daughter,

So many sweet memories we've had.

I can't wait for more times together,

Just me and my fantastic dad.

6/10/11

To the little girls...

2011-06-08T16:32:00.007-05:00

To the little girls who stole my heart....

Thank you for letting God use you to change my heart.

It was 4 years ago, but I have been forever changed.

I could speak only baby sentences to you, and you responded with giggles.

Because I probably sounded like one of the toddlers.

Last summer I longed to sit down with you, Ornoria.

I longed to look into your eyes, hold your little hands, and tell you that you are beautiful.

You are not fat, you are not too old, precious child. You are a princess.

I so badly wanted to hear your heart as well, Claudia.

I wanted to hear about what your dreams are.

I wanted to hear about the hurts, the disappointments.

I wanted to hear about what it's like to live in an orphanage.

I wanted to hear what it must be like to have different people love on you. And then leave.

But I couldn't express myself through my broken Spanish.

To Maria....the sweet, humble woman who invited us into your home 3 years ago.

You were ashamed. Ashamed for "rich Americans" to see your humble living situation.

But you insisted we sit on your only chair.

You offered us water. Water that came from who knows where.

We wanted to give you money for healthcare as a gift. But you insisted on selling us jewelry.

You would work for what you received.

I could barely understand what you told me.

And I struggled to express what was in my heart with my little vocabulary.

So God brings me half-way across the world.

I'm learning hundreds of vocab words, having real conversations with people.

I'm doing this for you, precious sisters in Christ.

For the wailing babies abandoned in the streets.

For the children living in orphanages.

For the young mothers great with child, filled with fear, and unable to care for the coming baby.

To the little girls who stole my heart.

This journey is for you.

Thy Mercy

2011-06-07T01:17:00.001-05:00

Thy mercy my God is the theme of my song,
The joy of my heart, and the boast of my tongue.
Thy free grace alone, from the first to the last,
Hath won my affection and bound my soul fast.

Without Thy sweet mercy, I could not live here.
Sin would reduce me to utter despair,
But through Thy free goodness, my spirit's revived
And He that first made me still keeps me alive.

Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart,
Which wonders to feel its own hardness depart.
Dissolved by Thy goodness, I fall to the ground
And weep for the praise of the mercy I've found.

Great Father of mercies, Thy goodness I own
In the covenant love of Thy crucified Son.
All praise to the Spirit, Whose whisper divine
Seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine.
All praise to the Spirit, Whose whisper divine
Seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine.

Living by His mercy, His grace, His goodness. Hallelujah.

Trust. trust. trust. Beautiful.

2011-06-05T15:11:00.002-05:00

Hi sweet blog friends,
I'm in a beautiful hotel with my dad, resting up after a fun and adventurous weekend in Portugal. I've had some time to process the past week, do some journaling, and even poem writing. And I think I'm ready for some blogging now too. So buckle up your seat belts. This could be a long post!

My seat belt was already buckled. Because I think I've been on a bit of a rollercoaster the past week. Sometimes I wish I was the independent girl who, without looking back, boards a plane to Europe and loves every minute of it. Ahem. That's just not me, and I'm learning to see the beauty in my heart that is being stretched. I'm learning to see the beauty of brokeness before a holy God. I'm learning to see the beauty of stillness in the morning with my Savior, preparing for another crazy day in Spain. This trip is opening my eyes to beauty in new ways, and taking my heart to new levels of trust in God.

I was walking to school the other day, fresh from the Word, breakfast in my belly, the sun shining down, and was marveling in the people. Little children skipping to school, their squeaky giggles echoing in the street. Hurried mothers, dressed in trendy jeans and a Coach purse, pulling their children down the street. Businessmen with briefcases in hand, walking briskly to work. It was another beautiful day in Salamanca, and I was loving it.

Now I'm sitting in conversation class (my very favorite part of the day). My teacher, with her long bouncy curls and huge sparkling eyes, has sparked a lively conversation about the internet. A mundane topic? Perhaps. But we're speaking in Spanish. In Spain. And I like that. Alot.

My dad arrives on Thursday afternoon and with pride I show him around the city. My city. I make sure he has some authentic food, sees the Plaza Mayor in the day time AND the nighttime (this is very important). I got to share a little bit of beauty with him, and it was wonderful.

Another day in the week, and I pull out my lunch to see that it has white flour and sugar in it. Both of which I can't eat. The fruteria is closed, and I know I'm going to need something else. But I eat it. I trust. Every meal. That the Lord will sustain me through class, help me to focus, give me energy and patience. When my strength falters, I repeat James 1 in my head. "Consider it joy...that you may be perfect and complete, not lacking anything." Perseverance. Hard but beautiful.

Friday morning comes and it's time for class again. The grammar lesson is full of particular rules of Castilian Spanish. I ask myself why I am learning this if I want to speak Spanish in the USA or Central/South America. But this is not for me to ask. The Lord has brought me HERE. Obedience. Hard but beautiful.

Conversation class rolls around and I walk into class with a headache (from those darn grammar rules!) but ready for discussion! Today's topic was "jobs." We talk for awhile about previous jobs we've held, and then she instructs us to write a job advertisement/description for our dream job. I think about it, and write about working for an international adoption agency. Preferably one that allows me to communicate with, and even occasionally travel to orphanages in Central/South America. This sweet teacher is always SO encouraging. "Que bonita" (How wonderful/beautiful) she says of my dream job idea. But the shadow of doubt fills my mind. The fearful side of me takes over. Who am I kidding? I will never get a job like that. And why was I so crazy to think that I could get a job speaking Spanish. Pretty soon I'm going to have to find a job, and if I'm not fluent I don't know what I'll do. Doubt and fear completely took over. As I prayed through this, I came to the realization that there is NOTHING I can do besides give this to God. Trust Him with my future. I know, not a new concept, but one that I desperately need to be reminded of while I'm here. Being obedient to come, being persevering in my class, and trusting the Lord with the rest. Que bonita.

This is a poem I started while in that class:

You've brought me to another world, a place I've never known
All the way across the ocean, so I could trust and grow

To conjugate verbs and learn new words in "la lengua Espanol"
I hold onto your promise and stories of old as a healing balm for my tired soul

"Consider it joy," does the old Book say. Cry out and recieve, if you humbly ask in faith.
I ask for His mercy and His grace. A measure of joy, peace, and strength.

To love all who I meet in each day that He brings, the gospel of Christ to those who don't see.
For this is our purpose in light of the cross. Everything we have gained, we count it as loss.

All He asks is to trust Him, though my eyes may not see, all the work He is doing as He's stretching me.
Not a minute is wasted, not a tear shed for naught, for our work is eternal in the kingdom of God.

6/3/11

Whether physical weakness, fear of failure, doubt about the future, all He asks is to TRUST! And in that trust comes brokenness, vulnerability, and surrender, which allows the healing power of His mercy to transform us. Thy mercy my God is the theme of my song. Trust. Beautiful.

Falling into his arms...

2011-06-03T17:15:00.003-05:00

I haven't blogged nearly as much as I thought I would on this trip. Hopefully that will change :)

I finished my first week of classes today. It was a rollercoaster week with moments of pure joy, excitement, and hope. There were also aches of homesickness, frustration, and discouragement. I have been delighting in sweet moments of quiet and stillness with the Lord every morning before our busy apartment wakes up and begins the morning bustle. These have been my favorite moments of the trip, as I have found myself often falling into the strong arms of my Savior, both in preparation for the day, and as I'm met with struggles throughout.

Today was an extremely rough day, and everything that could possibly go wrong went terribly wrong. However, my fantastic daddy is HERE in SPAIN! So after I class I walked into the hotel lobby to meet him and fell into his arms. I cried on his shoulder as he held me in his strong arms. I appreciated anew the precious gift of having a father to lean on. Thinking back on that moment, I am ever so thankful for a father here on this earth who can show me the love, strength, compassion, and wisdom of my Heavenly Father.

I've often thought that God must have the biggest lap ever, for He has so many children to hold. :) But in all seriousness, those arms of grace, truth, love, forgiveness, mercy, and compassion are wide open. And when we are too weak, He tenderly reaches down and lets us fall into arms of strength and protection. He wipes each tear from our eyes, gives us the refreshing Living Water.

Our God is waiting with open arms. Will you run into them?

"Come, everyone who thirsts,
come to the waters;
and he who has no money,
^(B) come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without price.
²^(C) Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread,
and your labor for that which does not satisfy?
Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good,
and delight yourselves in rich food.
³Incline your ear, and come to me;
^(D) hear, that your soul may live;
^(E) and I will make with you an everlasting covenant,
^(F) my steadfast, sure love for^(G) David.

Isaiah 55:1-3

A Day in the Life

2011-05-30T14:46:00.002-05:00

Life here is going to be very, very busy. I already feel this lifestyle of new school, home, and finding food to eat is going to be very exhausting. But through His strength I can do all things :)

We have the best host mom. She's a single mom with an 11 year old son. There's 7 of us living in the flat, and trust me, it's cozy. The one rule is NO English. Ever. And that one rule, Mama Clara definitely keeps us accountable for! Besides that, we're completely independent. Of course, every day she reminds us that she wants to be here for us. Any question or problem we have she wants to help. She wants to help us study, learn, speak. She's wonderful.

There's a fruteria right down the street and a pasteleria (bakery) next door to our apartment building. The best part? They sell sugar-free cookies :) Nothing here is sugar-free, so this is a HUGE blessing.

So for those who are wanting to hear a little bit more about my life here in Salamanca, here's a day in my life!

9:15- Leave for school

9:30- Grammar class

11:20- Break

11:30- Conversation class

1:00- Break/Go home

1:15- Class with our professor on T/W/Th

6:00- History Lecture

7:00- Art Lecture or Salsa lessons

Occasionally tours at 1 or 4.

Traveling on most weekends

(my daddy's visiting this weekend- I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself!) :)

Lunch is usually at 2, and dinner is anywhere from 8-10.

Different schedule, different culture!

Me siento agradable

2011-05-30T07:33:00.002-05:00

Me siento agradable- I feel thankful.

So thankful.

The first day of class went better than I could have imagined.

I fell in love with Spanish again today.

I had the most encouraging teachers.

I'm excited to take each day here and live it to the fullest (see below post).

God is so good :)

The here, the now, and the in-between

2011-05-29T04:42:00.002-05:00

So often, we (myself included!) talk about how we just can't wait for this or that to be over so we can move on in life. It could be that summer before college, a pregnancy before the arrival of the baby, the waiting time before an adoption, the month before a big move. In any case, we are waiting for an uncomfortable, stretching period of our lives to be over so we can start that exciting, long-awaited next phase. I often think of those seasons as "in-betweens." I tend to fall into the attitude that these periods of life are less important, less influential. The real lessons I'm going to learn are going to be once I graduate, finish this adoption, have the baby, go to college, get married, move to our new house, etc. You fill in the blank.

I'd like to propose that there are no "in-betweens" in life. The Lord is a God of perfection, of completion, of wholeness. How then could He put us in an in-between season of life? Each and every day is a demonstration of His grace and His mercy. Each and every day is an opportunity to live out our call as Christians- to do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with our God (Micah 6:8).

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven....He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:1,11

This does not mean that every day will be full of "exciting" things. But there will never be a day wasted. It is only in our discontent and impatience that we waste time thinking about where we'd rather be. Dwelling on the future zaps all joy and purpose from today.

I've been in Spain for 12 days now, and I'll be the first to admit that while I have loved the experience, I really want to be home. I miss people. I miss feeling secure. I miss a lot of things. Even before I left, I kind of went into this trip thinking of it as an "in-between." It's 6 weeks in between a fantastic semester of college and a month at home with my family before going back to college in the fall.

And it still is 6 weeks in between my summer. But it’s 6 weeks of walking each day in the Lord’s strength, completely dependent on Him. It’s 6 weeks of learning Spanish, in preparation for some type of ministry in my future. It’s 6 weeks of being the hands and feet of Christ to a home, a city, a country who has absolutely everything yet hearts that have nothing. It’s 6 weeks of watching the Lord mold, grow, and shape me. He had to take me across the ocean to get me to let go and let Him work. These 6 weeks are not in-between. They’re a season all their own with struggle and triumphs. Lots of smiling with a fair share of tears mixed in. Lots of learning and growing. Lots of chances to apologize and accept forgiveness. Lots of chances to seek out God and His will for me, for Spain, for His kingdom come.

My days are beginning now with a whispered prayer of thanks, and a request for grace and strength to live to the fullest. When I long for home and familiarity, I think of James 1:2-3, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” I long more for a heart so in love with Jesus that I can rest in His will, knowing that He has placed me exactly where I should be- with purpose, with love, and for the furthering of His kingdom.

If you are in the in-between, look to His face. In the midst of fear, doubt, loneliness, or pain, rest in His sovereignty. Find joy in the day. Look for simple things, sweet kisses from Heaven that remind you of grace abounding. Sit back and watch the Lord move even as you wait for what seems like a better phase of life. Look for opportunities to love.

We serve a faithful God who longs to show Himself to us. In the here, the now, and even the in-betweens.

Awe

2011-05-25T16:57:00.002-05:00

O Lord, Our Sovereign, How majestic is your name in all the earth!

You have set your glory above the heavens.

Out of the mouths of babes and infants you have founded a bulwark because of your foes,

to silence the enemy and the avenger.

When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers,

The moon and the stars that you have established;

What are human beings that you are mindful of them, Mortals that you care for them?

Yet you have made them a little lower than God, And crowned them with glory and honor.

You have given them dominion over the works of your hands;

You have put all things under their feet, All sheep and oxen, And also the beasts of the field,

The birds of the air, and the fish of the sea, Whatever passes along the paths of the seas.

O Lord, Our Sovereign, How majestic is your name in all the earth!

Psalm 8

I am in a bus on my way to Seville, using the time to edit the hundreds of pictures that I’ve taken, and hopefully attempting to collect my thoughts into a coherent post. Warning: This is a word explosion post. I’m sorry it’s so long. But I hope that it’s worth it!

The past week has been B-U-S-Y. Like get up 15 minutes before breakfast, sit on your suitcase to make it zip, eat breakfast, and then walk around for miles, get back to the room around 10, study for vocab tests, and fall into bed around 12:45 to get up the next day by 7. So this would explain my empty journal, unedited and yet-to-be-shared pictures, and lack of blog posts. At the moment, I’m feeling a little traveled-out!

BUT- let me tell you about the other part of my week. I have now been in Spain for a full 7 days. It feels like a month. I really like our group of 20. We’ve hiked around Spain, and had awesome conversations together. I have seen so many things that I can’t even believe it.

I’d say the theme of this week has been awe. Awe of Spain? Well, yes it’s amazing. But really- awe of God. I have been knocked over by a complete, utter, and humbling awe of God. I have been amazed over and over and over again. That first day in Madrid I didn’t think I was going to make it through this trip (and it’s not over yet, folks, so keep those prayers comin’!). But as we began touring that city, I was overcome by the busyness, the beauty, the history. The thought of walking down the same grand staircase as the kings and queens of Spain did centuries ago. Then we moved on to Benalmádena and I stepped foot in the Mediterranean Sea for the first time. I sat on the beach with a friend for hours and talked about life, God, and His goodness. I made new friends as we all went on walks on the beach and talked. I ran my hands through the sand and marveled at how God knows about every grain. Each itty-bitty grain He has counted. I looked out on the ocean and was reminded that as far as the east is from the west, so He has taken my sin. And that as deep and wide as the ocean is, His love surpasses even that. In the midst of frustration at the lack of Spanish in this touristy beach town, I listened to Russian, Polish, German, English (with a sweet British accent), being spoken all around me. And I knew that God is God of each of those people, and He created every aspect of their language and culture.

On Monday, a small group of us went to Mijas, a quaint little town in the mountains . It cost .86 Euro to hop on the bus and experience one of the most beautiful things in my entire life so far. I would have paid 20. The picturesque white buildings with flower pots everywhere reflected humans’ love of beauty. The group of laughing school kids, the woman sweeping her front porch gave me a picture of real life in Spain. A frozen yogurt place made for my first dessert here, and I could honestly tell my friends that I have felt GREAT since coming here. Hallelujah. The Great Provider is doing just that for my health here. And as though that wasn’t enough, God gave us the view. Oh the view from Mijas was incredible. There was a ½ mile of fencing with beautiful flowers, benches, pathways. We sat for 45 minutes. Just sitting. Gazing, pondering, looking at the vastness. I felt so small in that moment, and God felt so very big. The view from my eyes was merely a dot on the map. The people that were living on that land are merely a handful. And His name? His power? His love? Is even bigger. The songs God of Wonders and Beautiful were running through my head and it was all I could do to keep my hands from lifting to the Heavens in praise of our glorious God. And yet my heart was breaking that there were those sitting right next to me who did not praise His name. The city I overlooked? Thousands of people who are lost. It was a mixture of aching and pure joy and awe in the presence of God.

Tuesday brought an early morning departure to Granada. The bus ride suddenly turned into a majestic view of the snow-covered Sierra Nevada. My first time seeing mountains, and I again felt the huge-ness of God. Granada is another bustling city full of rich culture and history. I have found that every city we’ve gone to makes me feel as though we’ve gone to a different country. Our first stop was La Capilla Real, the Royal Chapel. This Chapel has the tomb of King Ferdinand and Queen Isabel along with breathtaking works of art. The Catholic influence here has definitely been unexpected, and at times challenging. We then went to an Artisan Market and were “transported” into the Arabic world. The Moorish influence in Granada is still very strong, and I was amazed yet again of a different culture. La Alhambra took up the rest of our day, and I can’t even sum it up into words. The gardens were stunning. The beauty was overwhelming. My first step into the palace took my breath away, and I could hardly believe the masterpieces of man. The creativity and talent that the Lord put into His creation is truly astounding. Each inch of the building had been carved out with tiny tools, hundreds of years ago. Carefully painted and decorated to perfection, it was like something out of a movie.

Today was an exhausting and very hot day in Cordóva, touring the mosque that later had an elaborate cathedral built inside of it. The Moors, Catholics, and jews lived together in that city for several centuries. The original buildings from the Jewish community and the synagogue are still standing. The mosque was bigger than I had ever imagined, and my heart broke to imagine the thousands of faithful worshipers on their mats praying to ala, their god who doesn’t exist. Yet their faith was so strong, so devoted, that they put the equivalent of millions of dollars, and millions of hours of man power in order to build a place of worship that they felt would be worthy. But our God is bigger and HE deserves that glory! Why oh why can’t the people of this world turn their faces to Him and stop seeking after other gods?

So here I am, in awe. Humbled. Amazed that He brought me across the ocean. It has been strange being a foreign country and not doing missions. I’m accustomed to traveling to Guatemala and speaking Spanish, yet having my full focus be on the orphan and the poor. My mind is consumed with that while I’m there, and my heart is always broken and moved. This trip though, I have been almost entirely removed from poverty. We’ve stayed in lovely hotels, gone to touristy towns, and eaten in nice restaurants. We’re instructed to watch out for the pickpockets, and stay far away from the beggars. Amidst my awe of God, I want Him to be breaking me. And He is, but in other ways that I’m used to or that I expected.

My devotional time summed up this week very well. I read a devotional entitled “The Highest Form of Prayer” by Julian of Norwich. She talked about how God creates, loves, and protects. When she ponders these 3 things, she is reminded of the goodness of God. He made us, He is our perfect lover, and He protects/provides for us. She says of man, “It is thinking upon God’s goodness that pleases Him most.” I believe that this is true. Focusing on the supremacy of Christ, of the eternal gift of life that we’ve been given, of His love, and of His provision, we are reminded of His goodness. And that goodness brings joy. And through God’s grace, this joy is able to withstand all of life’s trials. Our feelings of loneliness, weakness, frustration, incompetency, illness. All of these things are overshadowed by God’s goodness. So in the midst of my worship of our God while adventuring across Spain, I sit here humbled. We serve a God who created this Earth, who made each person unique, who has been faithful throughout the generations, who protected those who lived in castles, who lived through wars, who kept their faith in times of oppression. I feel so blessed to be seeing some of these things with my own eyes. I feel so blessed to be seeing parts of nature that I never thought I would see. I am in awe of His goodness.

Como?

2011-05-22T09:28:00.004-05:00

"Como" is similar to "What?" in English. And in the midst of infinite miscommunication, misunderstandings, and drastic cultural differences, I find myself asking "COMO?!" quite frequently. Here are some examples that give you a taste of Spain.

(me at the Royal Palace in Madrid)

1. I walked into our hotel room in Madrid (mind you, I've just been up for 24 hours) and I cannot get the lights to go on. No matter what I do, the lights will not go on. I try a combination of switches, putting one up, one down, etc. There's a panel with a little light on it situated right next to the door but it doesn't have a button. Frustrated and tired, I decide to go down to the front desk to ask for help. Maybe a fuse was blown. As I walk down the hallway, I see una camerera (cleaning lady) in one of the rooms. And somehow her lights are on. So I peek around the doorway and see that she has put the key card into the little panel with the light. All of the hotels so far have been like that. You must put your key card into the little panel in order for the electricity to work. Europe conserves, America wastes.

2. This morning, I was walking down the hall coming back from breakfast and saw that the cleaning lady was in my friends' room, with the door open, mopping the floor in the dark. Huh. Oh, and let's not forget to say that my friends are still in their beds sleeping. I say hello and keep walking, wondering what on earth is going on! I walk into my room and Alyssa, my roommate says she has a story to tell! Apparently, shortly after I left for breakfast, the cleaning lady came into the room and began mopping the floors. Alyssa is still fast asleep but wakes up when she hears the lady moving my bed to make it. She sleepily greets her and lays there, completely unsure of what to do! After finishing my bed, the lady comes and stands over Alyssa until she got out of bed. Our room was going to be cleaned then and there! What a wake-up call.

3. You hardly see any kids in Madrid, but today at the park there were families with strollers. Half the babies I saw were twins! Just thought that was interesting.

4. Madrid has a large cleaning crew. Every night, they mop the sidewalks! What's America doing with OUR tax dollars?! Don't answer that. :)

5. While riding on the tour bus through Madrid, I saw this little screen thing. It has the air quality posted on it 24/7. You can't see very clearly, but the screen is in the picture below. It shows CO2, NO2, SO2, O levels. Pretty crazy! Just wait for one of these to pop up in your local city.

6. I'd say one of the top 2 foods in Spain is paella. It's a rice and meat/fish dish that EVERYBODY gets. They sell it like french fries in the US. Below is a picture of the "Paellador" sign, which shows that the vendor is one that sells Paella.

7. This will come as no surprise to you all. But little kids speaking Spanish are the CUTEST ever. I just sit here and listen to them. If I can figure out a way for my kids to come out speaking Spanish in those little raspy voices I'll do it! Maybe they'll be able to roll their r's since I can't :)

Hope you enjoyed your little tour of Spain! :)

Benalmadena

2011-05-21T10:59:00.002-05:00

We have been RELAXING on La Costa del Sol en Benalmadena. Laying out on the beach, taking long walks as the Mediterranean Sea rolls up over our feet. Eating long meals in outdoor cafes. Getting to know each other. Studying together for our lovely vocab quizzes (which are actually very applicable!).

I'm having trouble finding time to blog. I don't like blogging without my heart in it, and it takes some time for me to sit and think about what i'd like to say. So, hopefully tonight I'll have some time to sit down and really tell you all about this incredible trip so far. For now, though, a few short thoughts will have to do until I can expound on them.

1. I'm ALMOST done with editing my pictures from Madrid (ha I'm a little bit behind).

2. God loves providing before we even see the need. He has done this so many times.

3. Speaking of the Lord, I had not had the energy or time to sit down and spend time in the Word. These past couple of days have made for some sweet quiet times on the balcony of our hotel room. So thankful for times to rest, and already seeing Him teach me things.

4. Tonight we go to a flamenco dance! Ahh so excited! Will hopefully get to take some pictures.

Ok must go and get "all dolled up" )as our professor says) for the Flamenco dance. It's a fancy event apparently!

More posts to come tonight and tomorrow!

Love you all!

Loving Spain

2011-05-19T15:33:00.003-05:00

The past 48 hours has been a whirlwind. We had hardly arrived in Madrid when we started our tour. Jetlag caught up with me by lunch and I spent the rest of the day feeling nauseous. I fell into bed last night and didn't wake up until this morning. I'd prayed as I went to bed that the Lord would give me energy for today, and He certainly delivered. I am so thankful.

Today was a great day, and we toured this gorgeous city from 9AM-8PM! The Royal Palace, El Museo del Prado, La Plaza Mayor, La Puerta del Sol, a large park, and a bus tour were all today. Our feet are aching, but it was well worth it!! I don't even know how to sum up everything into words.

It was a full day of just soaking in culture, sights, beauty. The art in the Prada was absolutely incredible. I kept forgetting that these were REAL. The artists' hands actually touched this canvas with paint and made it come to life. The pieces had the power to stir emotions. Somehow, their hands created faces full of sorrow and joy. The hands of our Creator instilled in them a gift and ability to create beautiful expressions with paint and a paintbrush. It was really a cool experience to just walk and marvel in the beauty of our God displayed through works of man. This was also true of the buildings, and of this city. You just can't really capture the essence of the history and intricacy in a picture. It's amazing to be seeing these buildings and monuments with my own eyes, knowing that men toiled over these for years, working every detail into a masterpiece. And it's only my second day here.

We're off to Malaga (the beach) tomorrow by bullet train. If we keep up the same schedule, I definitely won't have time to find an internet cafe. But when we get to Salamanca to start classes, I will definitely be uploading pictures.

Thank you so much for all the prayers!

Love you all from across the sea :)

He goes before me

2011-05-17T12:46:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting in the Charlotte, NC airport right now waiting to board our long flight to Spain. Already, I have seen the Lord's faithfulness, and I know that this is only the beginning of 7 weeks full of seeing His faithfulness, and leaning hard on the strength of our God.

Psalm 139:5 has been going through my head this morning, "You^(E) hem me in, behind and before, and^(F) lay your hand upon me." Psalm 139:5

The Lord went before me to lay this trip out. He knew every detail before I was born. And yet He also goes before me to prepare a way. Not only that, but He also has laid His hand upon me. This is such a beautiful blanket of peace on my soul. By God's grace, I can honestly say that I am completely without fear or anxiety. This is not my natural response to things, so I know that this is simply the Lord's hand upon me.

Behind us.

Before us.

With us.

Always for us.

How great is our God.

About to embark...

2011-05-16T21:08:00.002-05:00

After an insanely busy week of packing and spending sweet time with family and friends...

a lovely dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory (YUM!) with the parents...

and an emergency trip to Target (I forgot luggage tags of all things!)...

I fly out in 12 hours!

So join me as this blog goes around the world to Spain.

Lots of stories, pictures, and hopefully poems to come about my adventures!

A baby and a blanket..

2011-05-12T00:39:00.000-05:00

A baby and a blanket

I pulled her off the bookshelf,

This sweet “real-life” baby of mine

I’d ‘adopted’ her from Guatemala

A ‘mother’ when I was but nine.

I could dress her in clothes from garage sales

And take her on walks on the trail

They would ask, “Oh, she’s your sister?”

Just a doll, and my heart let out a wail.

She’s been sitting on a powder-pink blanket,

Just right for a toddler to hold.

Each stitch I’d sewed for my sister,

But my dreams were much too bold.

So I packed them away for a daughter,

Trusting someday there will be,

A sweet baby girl to swaddle,

In that pink blanket made by 13-year old me.

While filled with bittersweet memories of dreams unfulfilled,

This trip down memory lane had a purpose.

For through the sorrow I see such growth, such glory,

In the Lord and His ever-lasting goodness.

5/12/11

Since coming home from school, I've rearranged my room and decided to take some of my old decorations down. I had too many pictures of Claudia up, old crafts that I still had displayed, my first toe shoes still hanging on the wall. All sweet memories of the past, yet I felt like it was time for my room to grow up with me. I didn't expect it to be so hard to take some of those things off the walls. A frame of Claudia and I with the words "hope" and "dream" on it. Oh how those definitions have changed in the past few years. My girlhood dreams of having a sister and adopting went unfulfilled. All bitterness is gone, yet the sting of those years is still fresh. Those nights that I laid in bed asking God why dust was collecting on my top bunk instead of a little sister sleeping there. The nights that I wondered why we couldn't just adopt one orphan.

All of those memories flooded back as I took that baby doll and quilt off the shelf. That doll was as close to a real baby as I could make her. I played for hours and hours with Mariana (the doll's name). When I got her for my birthday, I wrote a story about how her parents were killed in a mudslide in Guatemala and how I got to adopt her. So funny when I look back on it, yet so beautiful to see the Lord working in my young heart already. I went to garage sales and paid for baby clothes with quarters. She had several outfits, diaper bag, and stroller. I was a mama to that little baby and was proud of it. My heart still longed for a real baby sister though, and I nagged and nagged and prayed and prayed. I met Claudia, who I was sure would be my sister. I sewed a pink and purple quilt but a child never came. I thought the Lord didn't hear.

John 12:24 says, "Truly, truly, I say to you,^(A) unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." I experienced some of the most painful yet beautiful times with the Lord as I surrendered this longing of my heart to Him. It was a slow process, and I can think of several particular moments where He really worked on my heart as I gave a little more up to Him. The seed had to die. The dream of my family adopting had to die so that the Lord could grow that passion in me to bear fruit. The Lord plants desires in our hearts that He might further the kingdom through them. I have no doubt that He gave me this burden for the orphan, even at the age of 8. But just as He molds our hearts, He must mold our vision. His intent was not for me to be a big sister to the orphan. I still don't entirely know what my role is for the orphan. But now (by God's grace alone!) I hold that "seed" with hands wide open. He may do with it what He pleases. Lord willing, it will be through advocating for the orphan, working at an adoption agency, and adopting my own precious ones. But it is HIS seed, HIS purpose for my life. Mariana and that simple blanket were all just a part of growing the plant. It is the most powerful experience to see the Lord do this in Your heart. All glory goes to Him, and He is so faithful.

So it was with a heavy heart that I folded up that blanket. I prayed that someday I'll see a little girl from another country dragging it around my house, worn from lots of snuggling in a rocking chair with her mama (me). :) That would make my heart so happy. I wait with eager expectation to see where the Lord takes this journey. I was reminded tonight that my roots are settled in His mercy and grace, and I am ready to spread the branches out and serve. And all thanks to a baby and a blanket.

Packing away...

2011-05-11T13:23:00.002-05:00

I've been slowly packing away clothes, books, food, everything I will need for 7 weeks in Spain. Yet having a suitcase full of things does not ease the unknown, the feeling that I can't really prepare myself for all that I will see and do there! It's an elated excitement and an anxiousness for the mystery of the summer to be unveiled. I idolize security. I thrive on the feeling that I am safe, that finances are set, that I know what [my plan] for the future holds, that I will succeed. But safety, money, the future, success are all in God's hands! They are not mine but HIS!

I could pack 10 suitcases with all of my possessions and never be truly ready for this journey of life that the Lord takes on us. It is His Word, His Spirit that will sustain us. It is His peace that will bring us security. It is under the shadow of His wings that we find protection. It is in the daily manna that we are provided for.

So as I continue to pack away a suitcase for the summer and step on a plane to explore a world so different and foreign to the one I know, I will be walking in HIS grace, HIS strength, HIS mercy, HIS love. And that will be all I'll ever need.

Mama

2011-05-08T23:31:00.003-05:00

She's a....

Teacher.

Friend.

Shoulder to cry on.

Encourager.

Prayer Warrior.

Selfless.

Faithful to our family.

Servant heart.

Always has sugar-free treats for me :)

Silly.

Patient.

Strong.

Hard-working.

Woman of the Lord.

And I'm blessed to call her my momma :)

Thank you for loving, teaching, and caring for me these past 19 years, mommy! I'm so thankful for you!

Love, Your Little Bear :)

Beauty

2011-05-08T23:24:00.004-05:00

I went to have my quiet time at a local park today. I needed the solitude, the beauty, the quiet.

I walked around taking pictures of the flowers first but found myself increasingly frustrated at my inability to capture the beauty! I was seeing the hands of my Maker in every petal. The warm sun on my skin, the cool breeze across my face, the bright colors that caught my eye as I walked along the path left me awe-struck. Our God is so great! His intricate works in creation, to His intricate work in our lives as He weaves it together. I feel humbled at my tiny self. I feel inadequate in my worship. No words, no pictures can completely express the wonder of our God. But that's why He is God and we are not. We are His children, and forever I will stand in awe of the beauty.

Good to be back...

2011-05-08T23:20:00.003-05:00

At the sewing machine, that is!

Someday...

2011-05-04T17:07:00.003-05:00

If I ever....

...get to pile 9 kids into the car to go to church.

...have 50 dirty socks to wash on a given day.

...have 9 mouths to cook for (10 with a hubby). :)

...have 9 faces to kiss, 18 hands to hold, 9 little (or big) voices to listen to.

...sing 9 goodnight songs.

....get to hang a family picture on the wall like this one with children from my tummy, Guatemala, Ethiopia, around the world....

...I will be the most fortunate and blessed woman alive.

I will go to bed exhausted, I will stress out, I will worry about how to pay the bills. I will worry about those 9 (or however many) little lives and the 147 million more.

But I will still be so blessed.

I am so thankful that the Lord has placed families like the Blocks in my life, even if only to watch and learn from. Their simple blog posts that share honesty through the hard and scary times, through the joy and triumph. I'm learning what it means to LOVE. Love in marriage, love as a mom, love the orphan, the widow, the hurting, the poor. The Lord is shaping a vision, a dream, a hope for the future. It's easy to dwell on the future too much, but sometimes, it's okay to think of all that God could do. And I think He probably gets pretty excited when we're excited about serving Him.

So someday....if the Lord wills for me to be that mom of many, I'll post that family picture. And all the glory will be HIS, for He is the rescuer of orphans, and the Father of us all.

An adventure

2011-05-02T20:45:00.003-05:00

I leave for Spain in 15 days.

It finally hit me today when my professor told me, "The next time I see you will be in the Madrid airport!!"

Wow.

This trip has been another huge journey of trusting the Lord. I have felt so much anxiety, stress, and fear about traveling halfway around the world for 7 weeks. Yet through my fear, the Lord has so graciously covered me in peace, and even brought an excitement and anticipation for what this summer has to bring.

I have a feeling that the next few months are going to be pretty big. I'll be studying abroad in Spain, speaking the language that the Lord has obviously placed in my life for a reason. My boyfriend will be studying abroad in China. Many of my friends here are traveling to other places as well, doing mission trips, or working at summer camps. God is putting us in faraway places. I can't help but think it is to teach us, to shape us, to make clear His call on our lives, define His vision for our future ministry.

It's exciting and scary and overwhelming. But the Lord will be holding my hand on every step of the adventure. In the loneliness, in the homesickness, in the weaknesses. In the joys, in the excitement, in the awe. He will be there. The same God we worship here at home is the same one half-way across the world. The God of Nations, the Ancient of Days. Hallelujah!

Impressions.

2011-05-02T01:01:00.002-05:00

I have delighted in getting to know The Hendrick family in the past year since all of the disasters in Haiti. They are a missionary family that packed up their 4 kiddos and moved to Haiti last year. They work with an organization called Heartline. They minister to women, specifically pregnant mothers and moms with new babies. Their ministry ranges from prenatal care, nutrition classes, newborn care, and nursing classes. They have trained midwives and a doctor, and Heather is actually training to become a midwife there. I have LOVED getting to see this ministry grow, and see their family fall in love with Haiti amidst the trials and challenges. Ministry and missions is NEVER easy. But the Lord never said that taking up our cross would be painless. She does a great job of being real through her blogging, and finding hope through the hurt.

I started reading their blog just out of curiosity, and an interest in seeing a missionary family who has adopted and taken their family out on the mission field. However, as the months went by, I slowly grew to love these women with radiant smiles and huge bellies. My heart began to go out to the young girls who were hardly out of high school yet were already mothers. I grew to love the tiny babies with twig-like arms and legs, malnourished and sickly. My compassion grew for the women who tried so hard to give their babies LIFE, but whose children died out of their lack of knowledge in caring for them.

The hendricks posted last week about their need for a postpartum unit so Heartline can monitor the babies' health. Many mothers in Haiti bring their babies back weeks later, having fed their tiny newborns beans, rice, and 7up. These precious moms simply don't know. A day or two in a postpartum unit could be the difference between life and death for a mom or baby who needs extra attention.

The past year has brought an expansion of my vision. In some ways, the Lord has only increased my burden for the orphan and adoption. In other ways, He has opened my eyes to other needs as well. I saw this first happen when I translated for my dad at the medical clinic in Guatemala. It was while I was there that I first felt the Lord calling me to do Spanish, and using that to do medical translation and maybe nutrition classes. Then, I read about how Heather was training to become a midwife and I thought, "Hmm...well I don't think I'd ever do that. But maybe I could teach Lamaze classes." Then, last week, I had a very vivid dream after reading Heather's post "If They Could Only Stay." about the plight of many newborns in Haiti. It was one of those where I wake up and feel like the Lord wants me to pray because He has just put something on my heart. Ever since, I have just had this huge burden for these women. Not necessarily women in Haiti. Or maybe it is. I'm not really sure at this point. But my heart was so heavy and during some quiet time with the Lord this poem flowed.

I really honestly don't know what the Lord is doing. But He is definitely impressing things on my heart. New things. Maybe it is just so I can be aware. So that I can be praying for people like the Hendricks who are doing everything they can to save the next generation, and bring the love of Jesus to a country of despair. Maybe someday I'll have the chance to work with pregnant women or newborns in some sort of ministry. Or maybe...I'll be delivering babies, teaching Lamaze classes, or teaching moms how to care for their new babies. The best part is- I don't have to know. There are so many many possibilities for the next few years. But I can stand here with open hands, raised to the sky. Because my life is not my own. If the Lord's plan for my future never involves using my Spanish, never teaching a nutrition class, never do anything I just mentioned in this post then it is His will! I may have dreams and hopes for my future but the Lord widens our view of the mosaic as time passes. These things too will be made clear. Maybe someday I'll understand this burden I'm feeling for Heartline and the Hendricks and the women they serve. Maybe I won't. What a beautiful thing that I can go to bed knowing He has my tomorrow, my year, my next 10 years planned out. There is no reason to stress. His plans are for a hope and a future AMEN!

If you made it all the way through this post- you have won the dedicated blog reader award :) The poem that I wrote is below.....let the words sink into your heart as seeds fall into soil. I think that the Lord wants to grow compassion and love.

New Mother

With puffy feet, tired eyes, aching back, swollen belly

The mother-to-be works all day for little money

To buy food for herself, her unborn baby to feed

A roof for her head, maybe clean water to drink.

The time’s drawing near for the babe to arrive

But she’s doubting whether either of them will survive.

She’s already so weak but has learned not to cry

With inner courage and strength, she’s determined to try

As the labor pains come, her heart fills with fear

She cries out for help, hopes that someone will hear.

She longs to hold the strong, firm hand of a man,

Or feel the gentle encouragement of a mother, sister, friend

But instead she’s alone, as she hears the wails

Of a tiny precious baby, weak and pale

As she holds her new child tight to her breast,

For a moment there’s peace, and both are at rest.

But the babe is still hungry, and neighbors have come

Overwhelming the new mother with advice for her son.

“Feed him 7up, rice and beans, or some bread.

You must get back to work, for you both must be fed!”

As the days go by, the boy’s health changes quickly

His body so tiny, he is weak and so sickly

She hears of a place with free doctors and nurses

So she gets on a bus, reciting childhood memory verses

She arrives just in time for a class of new mothers

She learns about nursing and nutrition with others

They had never been taught how to care for an infant

They didn’t even know what to do with their health while they were pregnant.

But this knowledge brings freedom, a key to success

Their newborns can be healthy, strong at last

They will learn about the Spirit, the Father, and Son

For He gives eternal life to all who come.

4/28/11

A Million Directions

2011-04-27T17:40:00.002-05:00

My mind is going in a million directions (literally).

I'll be in Spain in 19 days. Need to blog about that and what God has been doing.

Thinking about ministry. Both for next semester and the future. God is taking my heart to new places...ones I never even thought I'd consider. Exciting? Yes. Scary? Definitely. Blog post to follow.

Realizing I have exactly one week left at school with this "family" of believers. Blown away by His faithfulness to me this year in giving me community.

Still pondering those families and ministries on the previous post.

Looking outside, seeing the SUN (hallelujah!), and wanting to go out and play BUT.....

I have a huge Spanish final tomorrow. Which is why none of the above posts will be written until this weekend.

Have a lovely rest of your week!

I'm Excited

2011-04-26T23:26:00.002-05:00

Why am I excited?

Because other people are excited about serving the Lord.

Because regular, old families with a mom, dad, and a couple kids are doing BIG things for the orphan. These families live paycheck to paycheck just like you. They have to shop the clearance racks, watch the sales, follow a budget. They don't have extra money to go adopt children. They don't have hours of time to give to starting non-profit organization. But they're passionate, they're called, and they're obedient! SO COOL.

Share in the excitement with me and hop on over to these family's blogs/websites I just discovered. I hope someday I can sit down with these mammas and talk about life as a wife, mother, and woman of Christ. These women are my heroes and I pray my life reflects Christ as theirs do.

Shelly's blog: wife, mommy of 3 from her tummy and 2 from Uganda :)

http://www.goodtobecrazy.com/

Shelly's kiddos came up with The Cupcake Kids. Precious little hearts for the orphan.

Joy: Shelly's best friend, a pastor's wife, mommy to 4 from her tummy, and waiting on little ones from Uganda.

http://www.thefruitfulfamily.com/

Sixty Feet: the organization that Joy and Shelly's husbands started to raise money for an orphanage in Uganda

I'm excited to follow these families (cause we all know I need more blogs to read) :)

Ripened

2011-04-24T18:23:00.002-05:00

Ripened

The harvest is ripened, yet the fields are rotting

There are hearts that are crying out for the truth

That someone would love them, teach them, save them

What if they’re looking to me and you?

We are called to be fishers, disciples, teachers

Why are we waiting till we’re done with our youth?

It makes my heart ache to see the days that we waste

When they’re calling out for help from me and you.

Let us lead lives of purpose, with boldness and courage

With eyes set on Jesus, in our weakness His strength

Though we’ll face opposition, let this be our mission

To reach our neighbors, the world, no matter the length

Be it listening, talking, praying, or crying

Showing grace, hope, and love is a beautiful thing

Adopting the orphan, feed the hungry, hold the dying

We’re just simple hands working hard for the king

Our energy’s plenty, and the harvest is ready

I have only one life, this I surrender to You

That they would know from my words, my smile, my touch,

The redeeming hope and love that only comes from You.

4/23/11

I was up late last night with this poem on my mind and in my heart. I'd written the first stanza several weeks ago but hadn't had the time to sit in the stillness and let the Lord speak to my heart. In my cozy room at home, late last night, I was able to sit and collect my thoughts and finish this poem.

The Lord has been burdening my heart for the needs, both physical and emotional/spiritual of both the unreached and of the Church. The fields are ripe, ready for harvest. Where are the workers? I include myself in this COMPLETELY. How often I choose my own selfish comfort rather than investing in someone else. How often I chase after my own dreams rather than ministry opportunities.

I encourage you to ponder along with me.

Where/who/what is my "field?"

What changes do I need to make in order to serve there?

How can I best prepare myself for future ministry?

Psalm 86:9
“All the nations you have made will come and worship before you, O Lord; they will bring glory to your name.”

2011-04-23T00:04:00.002-05:00

"You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. ⁹^(B) You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." Deuteronomy 6:8-9

I was drilling Scripture into my head, reminding myself of God's truth when I remembered the above verses from Galatians. Write the Word of the Lord on your doorpost, post it everywhere, so you are reminded. I express myself through art and writing, so this was a way to do that as well as provide another place for my eyes to rest on the truth. So thankful for a roomie who loves having Scripture all over our walls as much as I do :)

A Familiar Ache

2011-04-22T23:46:00.003-05:00

I've had that familiar ache in my heart this week to return to Guatemala again.

To see Claudia. To hug Ornoria and heart the twins laugh again as they cook up all kinds of mischief. To see the new precious ones who have found refuge at Eagle's Nest.

Sometimes the memories lessen, and I can try to "forget." But as I pay attention to that dull ache, I remember again. And my heart longs to help, and to be there for those kids. I long to be there to help clean up all the pain and hurt in this world. I watched a documentary last night on human trafficking and felt so overwhelmed with the enormity of it combined with the orphan that all I could do was go up to my room and cry as I prayed.

It's in times like these that I only find peace in Romans 8:26, "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For^(B) we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but^(C)the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."

I honestly don't know how to pray when my heart is breaking for the orphan, the slave, the girl who is trapped in sex trafficking. It is all too heavy for my heart. I so want to find a solution. I want to bring hope and freedom. And I just don't know how to do that. BUT- we have been given the Spirit who will intercede for us, for the orphan, the starving with groanings too deep for words. The groans of the Spirit will be far deeper, far more sorrowful than the cries of our hearts could ever be. And somehow, this Truth meets the heaviness of my heart. Knowing that there is One who sees the pain, and meets us there.

And, after the ache in my heart and the longing I have to grow up and DO something, seeing the absolute JOY on this sweet girl's face brought a smile to mine. There is HOPE, there is JOY, there is a FUTURE. "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." Galatians 5:2

I'm ready to be apart of setting these children free!

2011-04-20T00:03:00.004-05:00

Linny and her daughter Emma from A Place Called Simplicity just got back from beautiful Uganda after a week of loving on orphans and street children, witnessing miracles and brokenness. Her post, titled Undone, (click on the underlined title to go read it. Please. It's short.), brought my mind back to days of Guatemala trips as I struggled with brokenness, emptiness, and an overwhelmed feeling of the pain in this world. I asked questions of why we spend money to go, be love in these children's lives for a week, and then leave. I loved her openness, and I liked her opinion on short-term missions.

I still haven't come to a conclusion on what I feel about short-term missions. If you remember my post HERE, on Rethinking Short-term Missions, I grappled with the question of what is the BEST way to minister to people. What is the BEST way to love on the orphan? I don't think I'll ever come up with a true solution, because it is a fallen world. But....I have had a few thoughts as my heart has gone back to memories of Guatemala and the orphan. (Just as a disclaimer, these thoughts are not applicable to all short-term missions, but only to those focused on orphans)

1. Ultimately, I believe that it is the Lord's will and plan for the orphan to be in a Christian family. However, that is obviously not possible. And in this fallen world, not all orphans can even be adopted. So someone needs to minister to them.

2. As Linny talked about, the Lord calls us to care for the orphan and widow. The Lord says that faith without works is dead. So, IF the trip has been done in an economic fashion, IF the time is being used in order to minister to the most amount of children, then it is not for us to say that we should not go and serve. This step requires trust that the Lord will bless our efforts instead of cause more heartache and feelings of abandonment in the children/people we minister to.

3. Also, if you're like me, then you're 19, unmarried, and in college. Not exactly the profile of an adoptive parent. So, if the Lord has given me a burden for the orphan, then I'm going to trust that He wants me to act and not be silent until I am old enough, ready, have the money, etc. to actually adopt.

4. SO. If the Lord is calling you to serve the orphan, DO IT. Trust that He will bless your efforts, that the orphan may know the love of the Father.

I think I probably just rambled. But I'm just going to go ahead and post it.

Blessings :)

Seeing fruit...

2011-04-19T15:41:00.002-05:00

I mentioned awhile back that I've had the privilege of tutoring Y, a senior from Puerto Rico. She's planning on attending the same college as I do next fall, but is completely lost in the application process. Who wouldn't be?! It stressed me out and I've spoken English my entire life. I got the opportunity today to tell her how I really want to help her with all of the college stuff, and make this as easy for as possible. If there's anything she needs, or if she wants me to go with her to meetings or show her around campus, I want to be there. We spent our tutoring time today filling out her application, and there was lots of smiles and laughter. I'll be taking her to the admissions office next week to meet with them and make plans for the fall. Our time was so sweet, and the Lord is building trust and hopefully a friendship out of my time with her. It is so encouraging to see fruit from this ministry. I have such a love and compassion for this girl that only comes from the Lord. I can't wait to see what He does in her heart in the coming months and years. :)

Trust Me.

2011-04-18T23:06:00.004-05:00

God and I had a conversation that lasted all day long. It went something like this:

"Lord, I am scared."

-Remember when I provided for your family when you sold your house?

"Lord, I am tired."

-Remember when I brought you to Guatemala?

"Lord, I am weak."

-Remember how I've provided this diet in the first place?

"Lord, I don't like giving up control."

-Remember the miracles that brought you to this school?

"Lord, I don't understand."

-Remember how I gave you a community of people who love you and who love the Lord?

-"Lord, it's so hard to trust."

-Don't you realize my faithfulness?

-"Yes, Lord, I so want to trust. I so want joy."

-Then trust me, my daughter. I will give you peace, hope, joy, regardless of the circumstances.

It's been really hard to trust this week, and my heart has been gripped with worry, fear, or discouragement multiple times.

But God has been SO PATIENT. All day long, He brought to mind examples of His faithfulness, reasons for me to trust Him. I sat down tonight and journaled, did some scrapbooking with Scripture (pictures to come!), :) and listened to worship music. His faithfulness just completely overwhelmed me. Am I still frustrated with struggling with health issues and a new diet? Yep. Am I still completely scared about going to Spain and finding food that I can eat? Yes. But is there peace? Yes. And my heart has joy after a day of seeking for it on my own strength.

It's a journey to joy. But it's a road I get to walk with my hand strong in the grip of the Father. And every time that I lack trust, joy, or peace His grace and faithfulness will never waver.

Trust me.

Journey to Joy

2011-04-18T00:30:00.003-05:00

This is the new theme of my life. I'll probably be writing about it a lot.

Discovering joy in the LORD, learning what it means to live out 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

Stay tuned for more...

It's the little things!

2011-04-15T16:11:00.004-05:00

So the likelihood of anyone reading this blog who is on a sugar-free diet is like one in a bajillion. But just for kicks I thought I'd share some tips/tricks on going sugar-free and enriched-flour free (aka eating only whole wheats). I also need to remind myself that I can do this. There's not as many sugar-free bloggers out there as I thought there would be. Probably because, let's be real, people don't just do this for fun. Splenda is great but it is NOT a thick, gooey brownie with ice cream and chocolate sauce. I've had to literally sit on my hands a couple of times to not grab the dessert from the plate of the person next to me in the dining hall hahaha. Anyways, if anyone is reading this who is doing sugar-free, that would make me so happy, so you should comment. :)

1. Don't deprive yourself of a sugar-free treat because of the fat content. Sugar-free is generally going to be high fat. But you have to put it in perspective. If you're like me, those sugar-free opportunities happen very rarely, and it's not going to kill you to have some extra fat. Those days where you can get something sweet and know you won't feel awful afterwards is one of my favorite days. So forget about calories and just enjoy. It will seriously refresh you and give you new resolve to stick with this diet.

2. If you can, eat small portions of things with a little sugar in them. For example, I "splurge" on

Annie's Organic Whole Wheat snacks. My favorite are the "Bunny's Chocolate Chips." These aren't sugar-free, but they are whole wheat and low in sugar. If I ate a bowl of them, I would definitely feel it the next day. But a few little bunnies give me a taste of something sweet and make the day a little happier :)

3. Rold Gold Honey Wheat braided pretzels. Yummy. This is my favorite once-a-day snack. They're made with enriched flour, not whole-wheat.

4. Whole grain tortilla chips and salsa. For when the munchies hit!

5. Propel Zero. This is made with artificial sweeteners- no sugar and no calories. I get sick of milk and water so this is a great alternative drink.

6. I bought a sugar-free cake mix and icing today. I'll let all you sugar-free foodies how it turns out!

If you made it through to the end I am SO impressed. But at this point in my life, it's these little things that keep me going!

Remembering

2011-04-15T15:46:00.003-05:00

Remembering has been on my mind alot this week.

Wednesday service was on Romans 15. The key point from the night was verse 13, "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." The speaker talked about the importance of remembering God's work. This remembering leads us to believing in His faithfulness, which allows us to trust Him and be filled with hope for the future, both immediate and eternal. We have no shortage of goodness to remember. From the beginning of the Bible, through the promises to the Israelites and the patriarchs, to the Cross, the Resurrection, and on until the individual ways that God has blessed us. Remember His faithfulness.

Thursday's small group is focused on worship. We talked again about remembering, and the Lord challenged me even more. If you haven't read the sermon "A Room Called Remember" by Frederick Buechner, I highly recommend it. Buechner talks about how we are constantly moving, and when we are not moving we are quick to turn on the radio or TV, turn to the computer, stay busy. We don't readily take advantage of moments of silence in order to ponder, remember. Why don't we? Sometimes it hurts to remember. It hurts to remember times of sin, times of pain or disappointment. It makes us regret. In 1 Chronicles 16 David says, "O give thanks to the Lord, call on his name, make known his deeds among the peoples!....Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice! Seek the Lord and his strength, seek his presence continually! Remember the wonderful works that he has done, the wonders he wrought, the judgments he uttered." David had alot of yuck to remember. Adultery and pregnancy with Bathsheeba, the murder of Naboth, the loss of his son. Yet, David saw the value, the necessity of looking back on his life because the Lord saves! God is glorified when we look back on our lives, because we see His goodness, and are reminded that we are here only by His grace. It is beautiful. And when we remember the happy times, we are blown away by His incredible blessing. Remember is crucial. It produces trust in God, a reminder that we are here by grace alone, and we are filled with hope.

Shonni over at Nations Around Our Table posted about remembering today as well. I encourage you to read her post. She wrote about remembering her children's pasts before they came home to their family. Her life as a mom requires her to face her children's scarred pasts daily, to meet their wounded hearts with compassion as they work through wounds from years as orphans. This is an example of something hard to remember. Yet so crucial for her to help their precious hearts come to a place of healing. And I imagine that remembering where they've been and where they're at now is an encouraging experience, to see all that God has done in their family and children through adoption. Sometimes we are called not to remember our own lives but help others remember. I spent some time on the phone today with a friend trying to help her remember God's goodness in her life.

Remembering is life-giving. Take some time to ponder what God has done. What has He saved you from? What has He done for you? What blessings has He brought to you? This can be an important influence in childhood, your family, a hard season that ended up changing you, etc. Anything that reminds you of His faithfulness, His sovereignty, His grace. Make a list, and praise the Lord for each one!

Remember. See His faithfulness. Trust. Hope.

Miracle

2011-04-14T11:55:00.002-05:00

"Consequently, he is able to save to the uttermost those who draw near to God through Him, since He always lives to make intercession for them."

Hebrews 7:25

"If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you."

Romans 8:11

"And these signs will accompany those who believe....they will lay their hands on the sick, and they will recover." Mark 16:17-18

Oh how I love the sweetness of seeing the Word of the Lord come alive in my life, word for word. It is one of the most beautiful things, and evidence of God's faithfulness. Those words that He spoke to the people long ago, those promises that came from His mouth are true today. In the craziness of my week, I hadn't had time to truly ponder an AMAZING work of the Lord. I had not taken time to give Him the glory and praise He is due for what He has done. The past week or two since starting my new diet I have had more energy than I knew what to do with. I feel normal again. (well, normal for me, as in if I keep up on my snacks every few hours and eat the right food then I feel great, which is fine with me!). Food works again for my body and that is such a blessing.

"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:28-31

The Lord truly fulfilled the promises of this Scripture. I was physically faint and weak and He has given me strength.

I was sharing my joy and thankfulness with some friends the other day and without thinking said, "It's really a miracle." After saying that I stopped in my tracks and was astounded- This IS a miracle. We had prayed that the Lord would restore energy to my body and He has. I didn't exactly want to give up sugar or be on a restricted diet but He answered yes to our prayers and I give Him the glory!!

Our God is life-giving. Healer. Great physician. He hears our prayers and ALWAYS answers them- just not always in the way or timing that we ask Him. Our God is faithful. He provides.

If you are aching over a long-awaited answer to prayer, or healing for a broken body, cling to HOPE. Our God is mighty to save.

Countdown....

2011-04-13T15:11:00.002-05:00

1 day till my dad visits.

9 days till I go HOME for Easter to see my family!

23 days till I leave school.

23 days till I finish my first year of college. Where did the time go?!

33 days till I leave for Spain. Yikes!

BEAUTY

2011-04-13T07:27:00.004-05:00

This is why I love spring. And friends who love photo walks just as much as I do :)

Stubborn

2011-04-13T06:56:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm laying in bed with a sprained ankle. I fell on the stairs last night and thought I was fine...but when I woke up to a throbbing ankle around 6 AM this morning I decided otherwise.

All week long the Lord has so obviously been trying to teach me that I'm not in control. Each day has been frustratingly overwhelming and seemingly out-of-control. Hmm...I guess that's because it IS out of my control. But yet, every day I've tried to take it into my own hands. I've set a schedule for myself, goals for each day, a plan that should go according to the way I foresee it.

But instead, the 3 hours I allotted for my trigonometry test turned into 12 hours of test taking over the past 2 days. The work I had planned on doing during that time didn't really get done. The classes I had planned to register in for fall were closed. All of these little things that I had worked so carefully to plan out. I laugh about it now, looking back and seeing how frustrated I got.

Monday's Jesus Calling was just what I needed, but I obviously didn't take it to heart or otherwise I may have handled the bumps in the road a little bit better. Sarah Young reminded me of God's control, of His power, of the peace that I can have with every unexpected moment: "This is the day that I have made. Rejoice and be glad in it. Begin the day with open hands of faith, ready to receive all that I am pouring into this brief portion of your life. Be careful not to complain about anything, even the weather, since I am the author of your circumstances. The best way to handle unwanted situations is to thank Me for them. This act of faith frees you from resentment and frees Me to work My ways into the situations, so that good emerges from it. To find Joy in this day, you must live within the boundaries. I know what I was doing when I divided time into twenty-four hour segments. I understand human frailty, and I know that you can bear the weight of only one day at a time. Do not worry about tomorrow or get stuck in the past. There is abundant Life in my Presence today."

I was too stubborn to change my perspective, to stuck in the stress of the moment, the endless list of tasks at hand. But, as I laid awake at 5:55 in the morning, unable to get the 8 hours of sleep I had planned, unable to go on the jog I had planned, unable to help set up for the worship service tonight, I finally let my wall down. "This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24 Nope, this week didn't go as I had planned, yesterday did not go as I had planned, and this day will not go as I had planned. But you know what? That's ok.

I can let my earthly plans go. I can let my expectations and standards fall to the ground. Because I have a God who is bigger than the 24-hour day. I have a God who knows the hurts of the past, every detail of my present, and each moment of my future. His faithfulness and provision will continue each and every day. All I need to do is offer my life with arms wide open, ready to live each second on the grace and strength of Jesus Christ. "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5

So I go into my day, ready for whatever the Lord has for me. And who knows, it could be fun to learn how to walk on crutches.

Things to ponder:

1. Am I living each day with open hands, giving Him my to-do lists, my expectations?

2. What parts of my life am I unwilling to release control of?

3. Am I praying that His purposes might be my main desire and goal of each day? Abandoning my own desires for the Kingdom?

Jesus, i give you this day, this hour, this second. I pray that my eyes would be open wide, unwilling to miss any opportunity you may have for me to be your hands and feet. Would you break my heart of stubbornness and selfishness that my heart would be fixed on You and Your kingdom. Thank you for your grace that covers all the moments in which I have failed at this. Thank you for second chances and new attitudes. I love you. Amen.

My cup overflows

2011-04-09T09:32:00.002-05:00

As I thought about my week, the only thing that could accurately describe it was, "my cup overflows." I have seen an outpouring of the Spirit on my life the past 6 months unlike anything I've ever experienced. This past week was no different. The funny thing about this week was that it was really really hard. There were a lot of tears, a lot of searching around in my heart, a lot of discussion with God about hard things. But yet looking back on growth the Lord brought, I see His provision and blessing time and time again. It was such a cool thing yesterday to call my mom and tell her all that God has been teaching me this week, and then to rejoice together and praise the Lord! The Lord turns our mourning into dancing, and as He stretches parts of my heart, I see Him coming right back and soothing it with love. It's beautiful.

"You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,

and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

Psalm 23:4-5

I also started on a sugar-free diet again to see if that will help my weird blood-sugar issues. I'm allowing myself one piece of chocolate a day and then some pretzels/animal crackers :) The amazing thing is, that I've only been doing it for a few days and I've felt better than I have in a month. Though I'm taking things away that I love (aka ice cream), I have still been able to see the "overflowing cup" in my life. I have people who will support me in this, a grocery store full of sugar-free foods to explore. The last time I did sugar-free I didn't have a great attitude. But I'm really striving to change that this time around. I have nothing to complain about. Nothing. Finding joy in this will be a daily battle, but I'm excited to pick up the sword of Truth and fight. :)

I know that it won't be long before I reach a point where it's hard to see the overflowing of the Lord. But He has promised to lavish goodness, mercy, and love on us all the days of our lives and I believe His words are true.

Some things to ponder:

1. Am I seeing the overflow of goodness and mercy from the Lord in my life or am I focusing on the things that are not going my way?

2. Make a list of things that are "overflowing from your cup." Could be material blessings, relationships, or spiritual growth.

3. Are there certain areas of my life I refuse to find joy in? I often find myself being too stubborn to let go of what I had planned for a situation. This keeps us from praising the Lord for His sovereignty and provision, and steals the joy we could find even in disappointment or trial.

4. PRAY! Make notecards and hang them everywhere. Tell someone else and have them keep you accountable for your attitude and thoughts.

Have a blessed weekend!

Molly

Just because....

2011-04-09T00:27:00.003-05:00

Just because these pictures are too cute not to share.

My roommate (who also happens to be my wonderful friend) :) and I planned a double date for us and our boyfriends. So much fun.

We got dressed up, made dinner for them, took pictures, played games, and went star-gazing.

The sky was so full of stars that I literally laid on the ground in silence, just staring up at them. Never had I seen the night sky glisten so brightly.

I was completely overwhelmed as I praised the Lord for His greatness, His goodness to me, these precious friends I have been given.

Like father...

2011-04-09T00:18:00.004-05:00

(notice the bow tie..and there's suspenders under his lab coat...)

Like Spencer...
They always say that the guy you like will be just like your dad. I always wanted to find someone who had the humor, personality, and character qualities as my dad. My dad also exhibits an occasional (or frequent) nerdiness that includes but is not limited to: duct-taped shoes, super-glued glasses, bow ties, and suspenders. When Spencer showed up to our double-date last weekend in big Harry Potter glasses and a bow tie, I knew that I'd gotten lucky enough to have a little bit of every part of my dad that I love in the guy that I'm dating. My dad's nerdiness makes me smile just as much as his love for the Lord, his dedication to our family, and his ability to make people laugh. Like father like Spencer?? I'm happy with that- bow ties and all :)

Glory

2011-04-06T20:52:00.002-05:00

So I wrote my previous post a little bit earlier this evening after praying and seeking the Lord for encouragement and strength. I was in a funk, with a bad attitude, and was so frustrated at my inability to find joy in this trial.

Not even 3 hours later, I was sitting in our Wednesday night worship service and it was like a veil was taken from my eyes. The lyrics, "May everyday, and every way I live bring GLORY to you." just hit me. My day, my week has been so selfish. I have been focusing so much on how I feel, how much it stinks to change my diet, how much I just want to go and eat a giant bowl of ice cream and not worry about feeling gross. Where is God in this? I had totally lost perspective the past couple of days. We were created to bring Him glory. Each day, each breath is for HIM, for HIS purpose. We are here to bring Him praise, to lead others to bring Him praise, to love, to serve, to learn, to grow, to build community. As I praised the Lord for who He is, what He has done for me, and what He has in store for me, my eyes switched to these "light and momentary troubles" to the eternal perspective of bringing the Lord glory. Praise the Lord for the grace He gives everyday as my selfish heart takes over!

Pure Joy

2011-04-06T18:07:00.002-05:00

An excerpt from His Princess Warrior: Love Letters of Strength from Your Lord by Sheri Rose Shepherd:

"Many times I will allow trials and tribulations in your life to draw you closer to Me and prepare you for battle. Just as I was with Daniel in the lions' den, I am with you in every trial. You are being prepared for greatness, My beloved. I prepared My king David while he was running for his life and hiding in caves. I blinded My apostle Paul until he was ready to see Me as his source of sight. Your trials will lead you to an abundant life of effective and everlasting ministry if you will allow Me to carve in your character a true reflection of Me while you are in the fire where your faith is being tested.

Love,

Your King who suffers with you"

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, ³for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. ⁴And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4

Jesus, I Come

2011-04-02T22:14:00.002-05:00

Out of my bondage, sorrow and night,
Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
Into Thy freedom, gladness, and light,
Jesus, I come to Thee;
Out of my sickness, into Thy health,
Out of my want and into Thy wealth,
Out of my sin and into Thyself,
Jesus, I come to Thee.
Out of my shameful failure and loss,
Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
Into the glorious gain of Thy cross,
Jesus, I come to Thee;
Out of earth’s sorrows, into Thy balm,
Out of life’s storms and into Thy calm,
Out of distress to jubilant psalm,
Jesus, I come to Thee.
Out of unrest and arrogant pride,
Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
Into Thy blessed will to abide,
Jesus, I come to Thee;
Out of myself to dwell in Thy love,
Out of despair, into raptures above,
Upward for aye on wings like a dove,
Jesus, I come to Thee.
Out of the fear and dread of the tomb,
Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
Into the joy and light of Thy home,
Jesus, I come to Thee;
Out of the depths of ruin untold,
Into the peace of Thy sheltering fold,
Ever Thy glorious face to behold,
Jesus, I come to Thee.
These words met me where I was at today. To come to Jesus with brokenness, tears, and pain and be met by love and grace is a humbling and beautiful thing. Jesus, I come to Thee.

Rejoice

2011-03-31T14:43:00.002-05:00

I have felt amazing all day. I don't know why. Sometimes I think the Lord gives me a break from my hypoglycemia stuff, where I can just think on where He's brought me, what He's teaching me, what joy is in the midst of pain or trial. I know that tomorrow my body will probably go back to the usual, but I'm rejoicing in this day, in the redeeming work He is doing in my heart and my life, in the strength and grace that He gives me every day.

This is a new favorite song of mine...love to ponder the words for hope on a bad day or thanksgiving on a day like today!

"Rejoice, rejoice, my weary soul, my hope is in the Lord alone.

He will never leave you or forsake you, so rejoice.

Rejoice, in the Lord, your mourning into dancing, rejoice.

Rejoice, in the Lord, your mourning into dancing, rejoice."

"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
you have loosed my sackcloth
and clothed me with gladness,
¹²that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!"

Psalm 30:10-11

20 Things

2011-03-31T12:55:00.005-05:00

We had to make a "bucket list" of 20 things we want to do before we die for our health class. I sat down at my computer thinking, "Oh this is going to be so easy. That's not many things at all." But as I got going, I realized that it's a harder task than I thought.

The Lord has given us one life. ONE. Our time on this Earth is precious. I want to make every minute count, yet I waste so much time. So much opportunity. The harvest is ripe, it is ready....and yet much of it is in the field rotting. At the same time, there is much that is being done for the kingdom, and it is beautiful. The Lord is growing hearts, churches are reaching out to the lost, missionaries are sharing the Gospel, families are adopting the orphan. Beautiful things are happening everyday.

So this list is not in any particular order, and some are obviously more important than others. I'm excited to see what God has for me...and which ones I'll get to cross off! :)

Health 195

3/31/11

20 Things to Do Before I Die

Get Married
Have a baby
Adopt kids
Run an orphanage
Go to Uganda
Evangelize and bring someone to Christ in Spanish
Run a half-marathon
Be a missionary over-seas (hopefully/maybe in Guatemala)
Read through the Bible in Spanish
Write a book or 2…
Speak at a women’s conference
Teach about orphans and adoption
Learn to cook
Go on a hiking adventure of some sort
Start a non-profit organization for adoptive families
Get my counseling license
Learn how to take quality pictures
Own and decorate my own house
Learn to lead worship on piano
Teach a health/parenting/lamaze class in Spanish

Heeding the Call

Conflicted

Loving this

Tradition

Beauty in the Manger

248 Days

Reminded....

On Poverty

Goin' deep....

If this doesn't make your day...

An anchor to the soul

Food for the mind and soul.

Wedding Dress

Making changes....

2 weeks.

Roses....and a ring!

Follow-up

Made for this.

Home

YES

Where I'm At

Almost accomplished

1 God of the Nations

Defining Moment

Everything we need

Trust Completely

Visuals

16 years

On Spain and the like...Parenthood!

Suit of Armor

It's safe to jump

Happy Father's Day!

Orphanage Update

Can't wait...

On Spain and the like #2...Relationships!!

Just when you least expect it...

Standing on the Promise

On Spain and the like...Time

On Spain and the like....

Santo, Santo

ho·ly

My Dad

To the little girls...

Thy Mercy

Trust. trust. trust. Beautiful.

Falling into his arms...

A Day in the Life

Me siento agradable

The here, the now, and the in-between

Awe

Como?

Benalmadena

Loving Spain

He goes before me

About to embark...

A baby and a blanket..

Packing away...

Mama

Beauty

Good to be back...

Someday...

An adventure

Impressions.

A Million Directions

I'm Excited

Ripened

A Familiar Ache

Seeing fruit...

Trust Me.

Journey to Joy

It's the little things!

Remembering

Miracle

Countdown....

BEAUTY

Stubborn

My cup overflows

Just because....

Like father...

Glory