Trust. trust. trust. Beautiful.

Hi sweet blog friends,
I'm in a beautiful hotel with my dad, resting up after a fun and adventurous weekend in Portugal. I've had some time to process the past week, do some journaling, and even poem writing. And I think I'm ready for some blogging now too. So buckle up your seat belts. This could be a long post!

My seat belt was already buckled. Because I think I've been on a bit of a rollercoaster the past week. Sometimes I wish I was the independent girl who, without looking back, boards a plane to Europe and loves every minute of it. Ahem. That's just not me, and I'm learning to see the beauty in my heart that is being stretched. I'm learning to see the beauty of brokeness before a holy God. I'm learning to see the beauty of stillness in the morning with my Savior, preparing for another crazy day in Spain. This trip is opening my eyes to beauty in new ways, and taking my heart to new levels of trust in God.

I was walking to school the other day, fresh from the Word, breakfast in my belly, the sun shining down, and was marveling in the people. Little children skipping to school, their squeaky giggles echoing in the street. Hurried mothers, dressed in trendy jeans and a Coach purse, pulling their children down the street. Businessmen with briefcases in hand, walking briskly to work. It was another beautiful day in Salamanca, and I was loving it.

Now I'm sitting in conversation class (my very favorite part of the day). My teacher, with her long bouncy curls and huge sparkling eyes, has sparked a lively conversation about the internet. A mundane topic? Perhaps. But we're speaking in Spanish. In Spain. And I like that. Alot.

My dad arrives on Thursday afternoon and with pride I show him around the city. My city. I make sure he has some authentic food, sees the Plaza Mayor in the day time AND the nighttime (this is very important). I got to share a little bit of beauty with him, and it was wonderful.

Another day in the week, and I pull out my lunch to see that it has white flour and sugar in it. Both of which I can't eat. The fruteria is closed, and I know I'm going to need something else. But I eat it. I trust. Every meal. That the Lord will sustain me through class, help me to focus, give me energy and patience. When my strength falters, I repeat James 1 in my head. "Consider it joy...that you may be perfect and complete, not lacking anything." Perseverance. Hard but beautiful.

Friday morning comes and it's time for class again. The grammar lesson is full of particular rules of Castilian Spanish. I ask myself why I am learning this if I want to speak Spanish in the USA or Central/South America. But this is not for me to ask. The Lord has brought me HERE. Obedience. Hard but beautiful.

Conversation class rolls around and I walk into class with a headache (from those darn grammar rules!) but ready for discussion! Today's topic was "jobs." We talk for awhile about previous jobs we've held, and then she instructs us to write a job advertisement/description for our dream job. I think about it, and write about working for an international adoption agency. Preferably one that allows me to communicate with, and even occasionally travel to orphanages in Central/South America. This sweet teacher is always SO encouraging. "Que bonita" (How wonderful/beautiful) she says of my dream job idea. But the shadow of doubt fills my mind. The fearful side of me takes over. Who am I kidding? I will never get a job like that. And why was I so crazy to think that I could get a job speaking Spanish. Pretty soon I'm going to have to find a job, and if I'm not fluent I don't know what I'll do. Doubt and fear completely took over. As I prayed through this, I came to the realization that there is NOTHING I can do besides give this to God. Trust Him with my future. I know, not a new concept, but one that I desperately need to be reminded of while I'm here. Being obedient to come, being persevering in my class, and trusting the Lord with the rest. Que bonita.

This is a poem I started while in that class:

You've brought me to another world, a place I've never known
All the way across the ocean, so I could trust and grow

To conjugate verbs and learn new words in "la lengua Espanol"
I hold onto your promise and stories of old as a healing balm for my tired soul

"Consider it joy," does the old Book say. Cry out and recieve, if you humbly ask in faith.
I ask for His mercy and His grace. A measure of joy, peace, and strength.

To love all who I meet in each day that He brings, the gospel of Christ to those who don't see.
For this is our purpose in light of the cross. Everything we have gained, we count it as loss.

All He asks is to trust Him, though my eyes may not see, all the work He is doing as He's stretching me.
Not a minute is wasted, not a tear shed for naught, for our work is eternal in the kingdom of God.

6/3/11

Whether physical weakness, fear of failure, doubt about the future, all He asks is to TRUST! And in that trust comes brokenness, vulnerability, and surrender, which allows the healing power of His mercy to transform us. Thy mercy my God is the theme of my song. Trust. Beautiful.

The Big Picture

Have you ever stepped out from a cold building into the radiant, hot sun and felt it warm your body to the bone? That is how I felt today as the Lord's goodness washed over me in waves.

I have been so discouraged and frustrated recently with Spanish, and in my pursuit of purpose, was tempted multiple times to give up on the whole thing. I had signed up several weeks ago to go to a nearby town and translate for their parent-teacher conferences at the elementary school. The town is extremely small, and most of the employment comes from the large factory. The school population has gone from 2% Hispanic to almost 44% in the past 10 years. They have new students coming in monthly who neither read or write, and who speak no English.

I was both excited and scared at the prospect of this opportunity to go and translate. My prayer the past few days was that the Lord would make it an encouraging, motivating experience and that I would be reminded of why I chose Spanish in the first place. As I drove there I just had this feeling of anticipation in my heart. I could sense the Spirit was with me and I was excited to see what He would do.

When I got there I found out that I was the only student coming until later on that afternoon. So....I was the only translator there! At first I was regretting coming early but later on when the rest of my group got there most of them weren't able to translate at all because the conferences were over and there were too many of them. The Lord had saved the afternoon for me to be refreshed and encouraged.

I spent the afternoon explaining report cards, projects, and progress to Hispanic parents. There were many who probably got more out of their limited knowledge of English than they ever would my broken Spanish. But there were some who stared at the teachers with blank stares until I translated what was being said. Their beaming faces when being told that their child was excelling, reading, and speaking in English was priceless. The Lord was using me as a bridge to bring news of hope to them.

I got to speak with many teachers and ESL workers as well about bilingual education and the situation in this particular town. It was fascinating, challenging, and saddening as well. Definitely gave me some other options for potential jobs someday.

One particular family was so friendly. The dad spoke absolutely no English. His 2 kids did all the translating for him, but he was so delighted to discover that I could speak to him. He told me over and over again how I would know spanish "muy pronto" (very soon). He was not phased at all by my atrocious grammar or vocabulary but just desired to talk and tell me his story. This is my one of my favorite parts about knowing Spanish. Over the years the Lord has used it so many times to connect with people. I love how using words I can get to know someone, hear their story, look into their heart. It was beautiful and such an encouragement.

I don't know why....but I really just love these people. I melt at any baby or child, but seriously I don't think there's anything more precious than a little brown-skinned baby with the soft black hair...or the sweet toddlers whose hair sticks straight up (all the boys in Guatemala have the cutest sticky-uppy hair) :) A little boy came toddling into the ESL room while I was waiting for a conference and I could barely resist picking him and kissing his sweet face. He smiled SO big and waved at me and trotted right into the room. Mr. Curious.

I wrote a short poem while I was waiting for conferences to start. I sat in a room by myself and and while I was nervous to see what the afternoon would hold I was just overwhelmed by God and His faithfulness that He took me to Guatemala, brought me here and given me the opportunity to talk with these precious people yet having this excitement that this is SO NOT ABOUT ME. I just got so excited to see His kingdom come through the lives of His children. His goodness and power working through my minimal Spanish, through aspiring musicians, through nurses in training, through future businessmen. He so graciously gave me this eternal perspective that I was just blown away. Those lies of purposelessness have been battled by TRUTH.

The Big Picture

You're doing something far beyond I can see

This work and this story going far beyond me

You're turning a little girls love into something great

A tiny golden flame to a burning blaze

I don't know exactly what you want me to do

I'm not really sure when, where, or who

But your hand is so strong on me I can feel

Your presence a power, your peace is a shield.

I'm excited right now to see all that you'll do,

It's a comfort to know all I need is to trust in You.

3/17/11

So, I have no more of an idea of what I'll actually end up doing with my Spanish, if anything. But the Lord's goodness has washed over me, refreshing my heart that was tired and discouraged. Praise His name!

My heart is torn...

Between here.

And here.

Holding this precious little princess they named Isabella Grace...

Or nestling this tiny 10-day old baby boy in my arms...

Not gonna lie.... my heart is struggling.

I feel like I'm missing out on so much.

Spending hours studying while there's so much work to do for the Kingdom.

Yet, the Lord is so tenderly showing me that His work for me is right here.

I received an email asking me to tutor a senior in high school from Puerto Rico.

I'm SO EXCITED!

I get to show the love of Jesus to this girl through smiles and gentle instruction every week.

God's faithfulness just boggles my mind.

And I'm trusting that someday it will be time for me to hold those precious babies...

serve the broken foster children....

be a mama to the fatherless.

But today, He's put me here and I will rejoice!

"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

Remembering...

I spent the last night tutoring some men who work at the local Mexican restaurant. They speak only Spanish. A group of students go over every week to tutor them and I was very nervous about how it would go. We spent an hour and a half there, writing word after word. Sometimes they'd get it, and other times I'd look with sadness at the blank yet frustrated look on their faces.

Not coincidentally, the Lord placed me with a high schooler from Guatemala.

He asked me what I want to do after college and I told him that I'm planning on being a hospital translator. In his broken English he said, "Oh, you be very good at that."

We all laughed over confusing English terms (who invented this language anyways?!!) like..foot and feet. Why not feets? Mouse and mice...why not mices?

We talked about the word "to study." Study, studying, studied, student. One of the boys looked at us and said, "So me and him are the students. And you and her are the teachers!" Yes, I am your teacher. But I have so much to learn from you.

It was a night of encouragement and laughter.

But it was also night of remembering.

A night of remembering the story that God is weaving with Spanish in my life.

Remembering this deep love and passion I have for these people and this language.

Remembering that, despite the months that have passed, there's still a piece of my heart in Guatemala that swells at the reminder of the orphanage or that country.

Remembering the cute accent the kids would have when I taught them English words. My eyes filled with tears and I looked away from the group when I heard my new Guatemalan friend saying the same words I'd taught the little girls last summer. Memories flooded my mind and I was taken back to the incredible work God has done at an orphanage on a mountaintop in Guatemala.

Remembering that there is a reason why God has led me to this school, this tiny little town that has more opportunities for Spanish than I have time for.

Remembering why God miraculously opened doors for me to study in Spain this summer that I might communicate more effectively.

Remembering the joy that I have when I get to use this language. The delight when I can use the gift of Spanish to help others. Seeing the spark in the eyes of the students when they finally understand what we were saying.

Remembering that while I only see a few of the tiles, God sees the whole mosaic of my life. A picture and a story. As I watch the Blocks pack up their family and move to Eagles Nest, I was reminded that nothing is impossible with God (you should read their blog...i wish i could hang out with them they are one of my heros!).

I have no idea where this will take me. I have no idea how this semester, this summer, this year will connect to the rest of my future. But I know that God is good, God is faithful, and He has a plan.