Conflicted

My brother, Caleb, is in Guatemala RIGHT NOW at Eagle's Nest. And it is pretty much driving me crazy that I'm not there with him. Memories flooded back on Sunday when the mission team left, and it was as if I'd just been there yesterday. I'm in super hard classes this semester, 3 of them in Spanish! That means hearing and speaking Spanish 5 days a week, which is wonderful for my fluency. But really? My heart is aching to serve- be a mom to an adopted child, work at an adoption agency, encourage adoptive families, host conferences, write a book, lead mission trips- ANYTHING to help the orphan. Anything to follow James 1, to serve the orphan in their distress. Yet I'm here toiling away at the 2nd letter that Hernan Cortes wrote to Carlos V in 1520. An amazing piece of history, but my heart is so not there.

I wrote in my journal on the first day of class, "Father I rest. I rest in Your plans that are faithful and sure. I give this semester to You, for Your glory. Break me and teach me. I refuse to let the Enemy fill my heart with lies of discouragement. But instead I begin this semester with confidence, knowing that You have called me here as a Spanish student. And though it breaks me even more, I want to try to learn. Not to save Claudia, not to save the orphans, and not to prove to myself that I have a purpose, but because You called me to it."

So I sit here in my room with a textbook in one hand and a journal in the other. One providing me with everything I need to succeed in this class- and therefore continue to follow the path the Lord has me on. The other proclaiming truth that though my heart feels so conflicted right now, the Lord has a plan.
I'll leave you with a poem I wrote this week, as I turn back to that textbook!

Conflicted 

Torn between the then and now.

Want to serve but I don’t know how.

Studying for hundreds of hours on end,

What about the little girl in need of a friend?

Torn between roles of a student and soon-to-be-wife,

Wanting to fulfill God’s plan for my life.

Longing to bring His children home,

Knowing the truth but my heart still groans.

How do papers and projects fulfill a Kingdom mentality,

When there’s orphans, the widows, the lost, and the starving.

I know He’s called me to Truman as a student for the present.

My heart’s crying for more, as I stand in obedience.

For a year and a half, I’ll attend all my classes.

I’ll write lots of papers, and make lots of messes.

I”ll learn Spanish for His glory, that His name be made known.

That by my present and future, His glory be shown.

1/9/12