Sunday, June 5, 2011

Trust. trust. trust. Beautiful.

Hi sweet blog friends,
I'm in a beautiful hotel with my dad, resting up after a fun and adventurous weekend in Portugal. I've had some time to process the past week, do some journaling, and even poem writing. And I think I'm ready for some blogging now too. So buckle up your seat belts. This could be a long post!

My seat belt was already buckled. Because I think I've been on a bit of a rollercoaster the past week. Sometimes I wish I was the independent girl who, without looking back, boards a plane to Europe and loves every minute of it. Ahem. That's just not me, and I'm learning to see the beauty in my heart that is being stretched. I'm learning to see the beauty of brokeness before a holy God. I'm learning to see the beauty of stillness in the morning with my Savior, preparing for another crazy day in Spain. This trip is opening my eyes to beauty in new ways, and taking my heart to new levels of trust in God.

I was walking to school the other day, fresh from the Word, breakfast in my belly, the sun shining down, and was marveling in the people. Little children skipping to school, their squeaky giggles echoing in the street. Hurried mothers, dressed in trendy jeans and a Coach purse, pulling their children down the street. Businessmen with briefcases in hand, walking briskly to work. It was another beautiful day in Salamanca, and I was loving it.

Now I'm sitting in conversation class (my very favorite part of the day). My teacher, with her long bouncy curls and huge sparkling eyes, has sparked a lively conversation about the internet. A mundane topic? Perhaps. But we're speaking in Spanish. In Spain. And I like that. Alot.

My dad arrives on Thursday afternoon and with pride I show him around the city. My city. I make sure he has some authentic food, sees the Plaza Mayor in the day time AND the nighttime (this is very important). I got to share a little bit of beauty with him, and it was wonderful.

Another day in the week, and I pull out my lunch to see that it has white flour and sugar in it. Both of which I can't eat. The fruteria is closed, and I know I'm going to need something else. But I eat it. I trust. Every meal. That the Lord will sustain me through class, help me to focus, give me energy and patience. When my strength falters, I repeat James 1 in my head. "Consider it joy...that you may be perfect and complete, not lacking anything." Perseverance. Hard but beautiful.

Friday morning comes and it's time for class again. The grammar lesson is full of particular rules of Castilian Spanish. I ask myself why I am learning this if I want to speak Spanish in the USA or Central/South America. But this is not for me to ask. The Lord has brought me HERE. Obedience. Hard but beautiful.

Conversation class rolls around and I walk into class with a headache (from those darn grammar rules!) but ready for discussion! Today's topic was "jobs." We talk for awhile about previous jobs we've held, and then she instructs us to write a job advertisement/description for our dream job. I think about it, and write about working for an international adoption agency. Preferably one that allows me to communicate with, and even occasionally travel to orphanages in Central/South America. This sweet teacher is always SO encouraging. "Que bonita" (How wonderful/beautiful) she says of my dream job idea. But the shadow of doubt fills my mind. The fearful side of me takes over. Who am I kidding? I will never get a job like that. And why was I so crazy to think that I could get a job speaking Spanish. Pretty soon I'm going to have to find a job, and if I'm not fluent I don't know what I'll do. Doubt and fear completely took over. As I prayed through this, I came to the realization that there is NOTHING I can do besides give this to God. Trust Him with my future. I know, not a new concept, but one that I desperately need to be reminded of while I'm here. Being obedient to come, being persevering in my class, and trusting the Lord with the rest. Que bonita.

This is a poem I started while in that class:
You've brought me to another world, a place I've never known
All the way across the ocean, so I could trust and grow

To conjugate verbs and learn new words in "la lengua Espanol"
I hold onto your promise and stories of old as a healing balm for my tired soul

"Consider it joy," does the old Book say. Cry out and recieve, if you humbly ask in faith.
I ask for His mercy and His grace. A measure of joy, peace, and strength.

To love all who I meet in each day that He brings, the gospel of Christ to those who don't see.
For this is our purpose in light of the cross. Everything we have gained, we count it as loss.

All He asks is to trust Him, though my eyes may not see, all the work He is doing as He's stretching me.
Not a minute is wasted, not a tear shed for naught, for our work is eternal in the kingdom of God.


Whether physical weakness, fear of failure, doubt about the future, all He asks is to TRUST! And in that trust comes brokenness, vulnerability, and surrender, which allows the healing power of His mercy to transform us. Thy mercy my God is the theme of my song. Trust. Beautiful.


julie t said...

That's true, not a minute is wasted, not a tear for naught. Every observance, every pensive thought, every analytical exercise you go through, the beauty you take in, and the sweet, honest, endcouragement you give to those around you, will be used, mightily.
You know not what He is doing to you, to your life, to your notions of how things will be, but He does. It's good Molly that we are on a "need to know " basis. For if we knew ahead of time, we'd stop listening and looking for more that He was teaching, perhaps even feeling that we "knew too much, or knew the crucial parts" when He may be trying to teach us through the more mundane parts of life Well, will pray for you.

julie t said...

I apologize for a 2nd post...but after thinking and prayin for ya...and re-reading portions of your note, a couple of things strike me: First, you mention toward the end, "in that Trusting God, comes Brokenness, Vulnerability and Surrender." Great points. I can see in them being Broken, Vulnerable (transparant) and Surrendered (yielded ). Three pretty key things!
And 2nd, I thought of this from His Word, Micah 6: 8
" He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." When you feel the fear and doubt you mentioned, remind yourself of the simplicity of His command for us. In thinking of what you so graciously and transparently shared here in the post, I'll respond frankly, since you were so honest in blogging, and say that I believe that satan would love nothing more than to discourage you at the very core and key areas where you long for security and success (an ability to master Spanish/ translating, etc. ) Since we do know from others who have gone before you in similar shoes, that it is very hard to feel proficient and fluent, in the process of learning, then it would seem necessary to just daily give it over to Him, asking for the strength for this day, the knowledge required for this week, and the patience and encouragement to get through next wk and the next wk, and so on. He will be faithful to encourage and equip you, day by day. Love to you. Julie